[dalila]

My therapist called today -- I was glad cos had decided she was dead or in the hospital for some reason. The little voice in my head said she had just given up on me and didn't want to deal with me any more. I know better but my heart doesn't believe it. I have picked a big sore on one arm and my scalp is raw but I have not cut. Big whoop this is not that much different. Oh well I keep telling myself the longer I can go without picking up the knife the better.

So she called and I deflected -- I need face to face not phone to phone. I did agree to go onto her cancellation list. I could tell from her tone of voice she was concerned about me. I just couldn't be open on the phone like that especially with something i have never broached with her before.

I have to have a minor operation on Friday, really bad bonespur on one heel. I have been using that to keep from cutting. After all the surgeon will do enough cutting for me. I had to wrestle a bit with ideal of having surgery because my first reaction was, "oh goodie I get to be cut without any guilt!" But this is a minor thing and I need to have it done. So as part of learning to take care of myself I am going through with it.

I want to cut, to see the swelling of the blood - to feel the sting of the blade - to experience again the melting of tension -- see if it still feels so exquesitely good. But I don't want to go into surgery having to explain such things, and I don't want to take a chance on doctor cancelling after I have worked so hard to be able to do this in a semi healthy way.

Sigh, life is not fun at the moment.
dalila

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Dalila}}}}}}}}}}

I can sense such a caring nature with you towards others.....please direct that to you ok? You are a special person and you deserve to feel good. Your T is concerned about you...how about talking to her for a bit on the phone and explain how you are feeling? It may help just getting it off your shoulders until you can get in to see her.

People do care for you....like I said...direct those caring thoughts that you have for so many others towards yourself too ok?

Keep us posted on how you are doing today ok?


Heather

[Rapunzel]

Talking on the phone more difficult than in person. I would have waited to see her in person to talk about the real issues too.

Good luck on the surgery, even if it is minor. The way you have been using that to keep from cuting makes perfect sense to me, in a couple of ways actually.

Hang in there - I admire your strength. Even though it's hard right now, I can see that you are on the path to better things.

Take Care,

[Zenobia]

Even though my T now knows everything I still can't talk to him about stuff on the phone very well. I think, for me, it has to do with not being able to see his physical reaction. I need to see his body ques so that I know how he feels (my perception of how he feels) about what I am saying. If I say anything too major and can't see his reaction I worry that even though his voice stayed kind he is secretly disgusted by me. This is after 4 years of therapy and telling him every little detail of everything I do without once having him react in any way that wouldn't qualify as caring and concerned, I still don't trust him enough to speak to him on the phone about deep stuff. So I understand totally.

As far as the surgery thing goes, you are not alone. I look forward to those types of things. Not so much for the cutting itself but the pain afterward. If I am hurt I can say "Hey look at me, I am hurting so you have to care for me." I just wish I could do the same with the emotional pain as well.
Carrie