[gon3withth3wend]

I think that when I don't cut for a while I start getting more outwardly violent. It happened when I stopped for a month this summer, and it's happening now that I haven't cut in just under 4 months. I feel extremely irritable and violent. I'm always on edge. I want to throw and kick and punch and hit everyone, and whenever I do or say anything that seems aggressive everyone gets upset with me, I'm overwhelmed with self hatred, and I want to cut. I've been thinking about it all week. Whenever I get upset my parents leave me alone for hours, so I have the perfect amount of time and privacy. I've been arguing with myself - if you do it, you'll feel so much better. You always feel better. This is what you need. You can't hurt them, just hurt yourself. You'll never hurt anyone more than you can hurt yourself. I hate myself. I want to die, I have a lot going for me right now, I don't know why I want so badly to give that all away. I'm laying in my bathroom trying to fight the urge to cut. I lost the blades I had so I'd need to cut with something else. I feel like my mind has been cloudy and it won't be clear again until I cut, and I need to cut deep to make up for all of the time I've missed. I don't really want new scars, but I. Would probably just cut over my old ones. I miss it so much and I know it's wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I feel like I have to do it. It's only been building, my desire, and today has been the worst. I try to snap out of it but I know I'm not going to. I've been trying but I can't shake this. I don't know what else I could possibly do and I can't rest or be productive until I shake this feeling.

[smmath]

I completely get where you're coming from, I could have written this myself. I don't really have advice for you, but I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

Hang in there and please try to resist the urge to si, i know it's hard but you CAN do it!

[NeverAlone76]

I know exactly how you feel. Do you have a therapist? This is not just about SI, it's about mental illness. I remember these exact feelings of being extremely irratable and wanting to beat the s*** out of everyone.

You need to get some professional help...You will beat this, take it from one who knows, it's not easy, but YOU can OVERCOME this.

[gon3withth3wend]

I was seeing a therapist for a while, but lots of reasons caused me to stop. I haven't seen her since January, I think. It wasn't very productive. We didn't talk about what really needed to be talked about and that was my fault. I'm more initially guarded and would like to think that if she had asked the right questions, I would've answered truthfully. Because I wasn't really making progress, the cost didn't make sense, plus I started a new after school activity that made scheduling difficult. I'm not quite sure how to go about asking my parents to start therapy again, potentially with a new person. I don't communicate my feelings well to them, and they don't know about the SH either so there isn't much need in their eyes..

Last night was just terrible. I was feeling so low I could just lay in my bad and on my bathroom floor and cry. My mom was upset with me for being lazy and disrespectful by not wanting to talk to her when she wanted. She gave me a "I can't believe this is how you repay me" speech, which was unwelcome after the terrible week and day I'd had. She threatened not to do some things for me that I really need help getting done this week, but I wasn't in the mental or emotional mood. I was overcome with extreme dread and stress and just this storm of overwhelming emotion, and I haven't felt that way in so long. And the only way I know how to make that feeling subside is to hurt myself. That was the only way I could think of to call myself down enough to do what my mom wanted of me. Whenever I SH I feel initial relief, but it's short lasting. I went to bed still feeling really low for no strong reason. Today, however, I've felt full of energy and generally in an upbeat mood, which is a big change from last night and the few days before then. I couldn't bring myself to do any homework for the weekend, and I felt bad, but by school time today I could hardly even care because I was in such a different place. I'm just so upset that I broke my four month clean streak over feelings that might've passed on their own anyways. In my mind, it kind of dismissed any issue, "well I haven't cut since December so obviously it isn't a problem anymore" but now I can't even truthfully say that anymore.

I don't want to fall back into a habit of SH now, especially with college and great things around the corner in my life. It just feels so justified in the moment. I almost had forgotten why I used to SH but now I remember. I feel so detached from yesterday me. I wish we could have two bodies so I wouldn't have to share all of her scars..