[adam_k]

---Trigger warning---

I counted my scars recently. I think I am trying to come to terms with what I have done to myself. I started hurting myself when I was 17. I was struggling really bad with depression in my teens and it got progressively worse after some traumatic events. I don't exactly remember how it started. When I used to get really down I would sit Indian style on my bed and just rock back and fourth. I think I used to scratch myself and tug on my hair. Eventually I began cutting. I found it to be a relief to my depression. I also had a lot of self hatred (and sometimes still do). I feel a lot of shame for my scars. Most of them are on my upper thighs. I also hid them and no one really knows that I did it beside a few medical people and my wife. I was at my in laws last year and I was wearing shorts. My scars where hidden, but I keep making sure my shorts where covering them. I was so affraid to have anyone see them. Sometimes I feel like a messed up freak.

I quit for 8 years. I went to some therapy and I made a lot of improvements in my life and things got better for a while. Whenever I was depressed I just shoved it all down inside and pretended to be happy. About a month ago I was feeling really down and I went to bed. I wanted my wife to join me, but she stayed up and played some games. I tossed and turned for a little bit then I noticed the scissors on the night stand. It felt more like an impulse than anything. I was feeling down and I picked them up and did a couple of light cuts on my arm. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. The next day I found a naked picture of my wife on her phone that she sent to someone and I was so angry I wanted a divorce. In the following month I got back into therapy and started marriage counseling. I have however self injured about a half a dozen times recently. It has been about 2 weeks since I did it last. I still want to. Sometimes when I am depressed as a relief. Sometimes when I am angry as a way to cope. Other times it is out of self hatred. I get this feelings sometimes like I am an awful person that needs to he punished. I don't know where these feelings come from and sometimes I give into them.

There was a few times I was in the shower and I would sit in the shower and turn the water all the way hot. It wasn't enough to scald me, but it was really hot and somewhat painful. I know I have no rational reason to do this and most likely these feelings come from the depression. I used to do this in my teens too. At the time.I remember talking to my therapist about to therapist about it. I told her I was punishing myself because I could be happy. I remember she almost cried. Her eyes watered hut she kept her composure. Do this feeling come from depression or is it more to do with low self esteem?

How does one become at peace with self harm? Do you ever get over the urges? Part of it is coping with overwhelming emotions for me, but sometimes it is about self hatred and punsihment. I don't know if I will find any answers her and I may only find the answers in therapy.

[mazing]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It sounds like talking in therapy again might be a good idea if it has helped you previously.

I don't know for others but for me the urges are there - especially when I get very stressed or angry. The feelings start coming back and it can be very difficult to resist them. As for coming to terms with the SI for me it was recognising it as a coping mechanism that people are often drawn to when other coping mechanisms fail. If it has helped a person cope before thsn our minds are drawn to it again later when our new/other coping mechanisms fail. It means that there is a struggle that we are trying to manage in the best way we know how to. It sounds like with everything you have been trying to manage you have felt the need to move back to what has helped you manage strong emotion before.

But I have found what is most important to remember is that we all struggle and we all fall at times but what is most important is what we do then - it does not mean that we have failed. It is a coping mechanism but what is important is working through it and working through the emotions again to find healthier ways to manage. That isn't easy but it is possible to do.

I am thinking of you. I can't imagine how hard things must be at the moment with all you have gone through recently but it won't always be like this. 8 years is an amazing achievement and you can get there again.

[adam_k]

I'm trying to keep positive and find better ways to deal. I found a therapist I have trust in. I find her easy to talk to, and she seams to be able to relate to me well. She has experience with depression, BPD, self harm, and family counseling. Things are rough at the moment. The events of the last month left me unable to cope. I'm trying though.

[beautifulfreak]

Hugs Adam… ((((Adam))))

[Idiot17]

Trying is a lot. Gluck with doing so. You're lucky you have a therapist you trust. 8 yrs. is a majour achievement, now that you know you can do it, go at it again. I don't know about getting over the urges since i haven't ever reached the point of even wanting to get over the urges. (((adam)))