[HabitualQuitter]

I always was more of a burner (lighters). Lately (since Easter) I've found myself drawn to the surrated knife. A huge one. I disassociated on Easter and woke up with a lighter in one hands, burns on my thigh and a huge surrated blade next to me, blood pouring from lacerations on my thigh. I told myself I dissasociated, there's nothing I could've done. I was upset, alone and had fought with my husband that day when I chose to stay home and skip participating in Easter. But just now, home alone, 2 of my 3 kids sleeping over at my sisters, my youngest in bed asleep and my husband at a class at church I couldn't resist. I got the huge surrated knife and cut three inch long or better lacerations on my thigh. The hardest part is just keeping it hidden but I don't wear shorts so I should be okay. I just don't know that I'll ever stop SI. I tell myself, "it's not like digging down to the artery in my wrist" like I've done before, in January actually. I feel like if it's just cutting or SI and not a suicide attempt I can justify it.

[Sam2]

Hi. It sounds like you are rapidly getting yourself into deep trouble. Like most humans, you are good at rationalizing and denial. It doesn't matter that you weren't trying to committ suicide. The cutting is a symptom of uncontrolled emotional pain. You mentioned some medications in your profile, but if you are taking them like you should and are still having uncontrollable urges to cut or dissociation, it time to call your Dr. or therapist. You may not be on the right medications, or have built a tolerance to the dose level.

Under the circumstances, you might want to consider inpatient therapy for a while. I know that is hard when you have kids and they want to know why, but what happens if you dissociate while they are home and they find you bleeding all over the place? Its not a picture they will ever get out of thier heads. That isn't an attempt at a guilt trip, just a reality check.

Regardless of your choice of weapons, SI is an addictive behavior and you will need help stopping it. Right now you are fixating on the knife. That is analogous to trying to quite taking heroin with heroin in the house. The difference is that you could remove the heroin. You can't remove the knife. Until you can get things under control, every sharp item in the house is a potential threat for you. You need more than just a one a week therapy session, if you won't do it for yourself, please do it for your kids.

Sam2

[picklewheeze]

I'm sorry for your pain.

I agree with Sam in many ways. ITs very addictive and can spiral out of control. Especially with dissociative issues.

Watch yourself, I hope you can get out of it. You dont deserve to be hurt.

[Idiot17]

I've never found si addictive but i do agree with the rest sam said. ((((hugs))))