Resisting the urge to start again. (Triggering)

I don't see a reason not to. I'm worthless, empty, alone. And I'm just tired of this. Tired of being scared of everything. If I feel like doing something then I should just do it. I'm sick of myself. I hate myself. I'm tired of not knowing who I am. I'm tired of never sticking with anything, and never trying very hard to get better, because I'm too scared to do what it takes to get better. I'm sick of being scared and fragile and weak. It's very tempting to let myself get bad again. I know that I easily could if I slipped just a little bit. I've been doing better the past few days, but the urge is there, the darkness is always there, and I could let it take over again. I'm probably going to. No reason to get better. If no one loves me when I'm at my worst, then why should I want to get better? Just so people can love the happy version of me, whoever that is? Well, this is me, this is all of me amplified. I just want this to be enough for someone.

Well, I know what you mean about wanting to be accepted at our worst, but wouldn't we want to give the best we can to others?

Are you in therapy? If not, then please go. If so, then please make an appointment for as soon as you can. I am concerned about the path you are heading down.

therapy is the path u should take. its a nice support. i go 3 to 4 times a week and its the best thing i am doing for myself at the moment. and if u r in therapy already tell them how u feel. just lay it all out on the table. i am here if u need to talk. i believe in u.

((((( goodenough )))))))
Hope you don't mind me calling you that

Of course. But if someone can't love me when I'm at my worst, then it's not real love.

i do agree with this.
i also know that there are many ways i can make myself more loveable through my own behaviors. and this might be the path through which others can be given the opportunity to love and accept me through the worst of times.

thanks for this post

I feel your pain. I am in a bad way right now and actually had started "planning" doing some SI again but ended up using better coping stuff instead. It's so hard not to, sometimes. Like you, I am tired of feeling weak and messed up. I know, though, that when I SI it makes me feel even MORE weak and messed up. And it helps, it really helps, for a little bit, but generally I feel worse overall for it.

Like you, I wish I had someone (T doesn't count, although he is awesome) and sometimes I am just knocked on my *** with how sad I am to be alone. I try to find self-worth in the fact that I keep going even when it is SO painful. You are not alone. We are not alone.

I am. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm unlovable. No one can fix that. Not even I can.

I hope you make it out of this dark tunnel soon. I know you can. Here, we're all on the same page. We accept and understand you, so if you can't talk to anyone face to face, talk to us.

Everyone on this site is here for you.

I know the feeling. The lack of self worth feeling like no one cares unloved. I feel it almost everyday. Just know your not alone and if no one is there for I will always be.