[grey_aj]

Story time...

There's this girl in my class who just started at my high school in August. She is the most typical American teenage girl you will ever meet, she's almost like something out of a movie: loves pink, super girly, always dresses well, always has her nails done, loves shiny stuff, on the cheerleading team, on the prom committee, etc. I'm not like that at all so I never really talked to her. A couple of months back I noticed that she started wearing around 3-4 thick bracelets on her left wrist everyday and never took them off, ever. And even though she's really teen-boppity and all that, she always looked really sad whenever she wasn't talking. So I thought..... what if? What if she's SI-ing?

I dismissed it as me being overly paranoid because of my history... and then today I got paired with her for a project and she had a line of ten faded scars on her wrist. So I was right, of course. But we're not friends, we're in completely different social circles, and I honestly don't know her well at all. I know that it's probably not in my place to bring anything up, but at the same time I don't want to sit back and do *nothing*... I like helping when I can, but I don't know if I should in this situation. The bracelets were off so I don't know if she has stopped SI-ing or simply moved off to another part of the body. Should I be saying something? Doing something? Even though we are *not* friends *at all* and we *never* talk to each other except for when we have to??

- AJ

[Sam2]

That is a tough question. There is often shame surrounding SI behavior. Is there a way you can approach her, tell her that you admire the bracelts and can you see them? That would might put you close enough to see if there are any scars under them.

If she is not longer wearing them, there is nothing wrong with approaching someone and introducing yourself. Sometimes people with SI are lonely and will hint about or come right out and admit what is going on. Watch her behavior and see if there are signs of depression or anxiety. If so, use the opportunity to approach her, let her know that you have noticed that she seems to be upset and offer to be a set of ears if she wants to talk.

If you have strong suspiciouns, talk to a school counsellor and see if they will intervene for you. They don't have to tell the girl who reported a possible problem, in fact the counsellor can just say they have noticed this girl seems to be down and does she want to talk about it.

Sometimes the biggest mistake is doing nothing at all. I find it encouraging that you are taking the innitiative to try and intervene wtih a possible problem.

Sam2

If the cuts continue to not look like they are recent (as in not open at all, and you said her bracelets are off), I would introduce yourself and maybe try to find a topic or interest you have in common before you approach her so you have something to talk about (and don't do it when she is surrounded by her group of friends...girls are never truly who they are then). Maybe see if you can strike up some conversation based on prepared topic or even a class or school event.

After a few of these interactions, if she seems open to just casual chatting, I might say, "hey, if you ever want to just talk or hang out (or do otherwise specific activity) that would be cool"...but maybe put it more back on you, like say you are trying to meet new people and she seemed like someone interesting to get to know (so all of the pressure is not on her). Or if it seems like the connection is going quite well, ask her to do a specific activoty...go to the mall one day, etc...whatever you think might work for both of you.

Then you might get a better sense of her life and how she is doing, and possibly make a new friend.

It's wonderful to hear you care so much about what happens to someone you hardly know, especially since you are in high school. We need more people like you!

[grey_aj]

I have written an anonymous note that says it takes a lot for someone to self-harm, please take care of yourself, etc. I'm planning on planting it in her bag or something like that. What do you guys think? Should I carry it out?

- AJ

[nicoleflynn]

I think it is ALL of our responsibilities as human beings to reach out and help those that are hurting.

[grey_aj]

I agree, but I don't want the anonymous note to scare her. I don't want her to think that there are creepy people out there who know her secrets. Would the anonymous note do more harm then good?

- AJ

You could try to be her friend? I wouldn't talk to her about the scars you saw. I honestly don't think that's your business or that there's anything you can do about that other than just be her friend. I think giving her that note would be kind of inappropriate, especially if it's anonymous. Not being mean, just saying.

[grey_aj]

No problem, thanks for being honest and setting me straight. I was having huge doubts about the note too...

Being friends with her might not work out too well though. Like I said, we're in different worlds with high school being very clique-y and all that, and we only have one class together. I just want to let her know that she's not alone.

I sincerely hope that she has stopped but she could be onto another part of her body for all I know... that's what I did two years ago...

- AJ

[grey_aj]

For the record, the note was going to say:

"[Person's name],
It takes a lot for someone to intentionally hurt themselves. I really hope you look out for yourself because you are worth it. Self-respect is something that everyone deserves, no matter what.
Please take care.
Sincerely, someone who gives a damn"

Haha. Not sending it anymore. Sending that note to all of you in this forum instead

- AJ

[ickydog2006]

I think you should talk to her. From the sounds of it, her friends seem like people who she might not talk to about this stuff. Just when you're together, let her know that you noticed the cuts and that you just want her to know she's not alone, and she ever wants to talk about it, you're around. That gives her an outlet available if she wants it. I just know that the benefits for both of you far outweigh the possibilities from doing nothing.

[grey_aj]

Believe me when I say that I want to help her. That's why I'm having this dilemma in the first place and it's really frustrating actually :P If I approach her I don't want it to seem like I'm infringing upon her privacy. I would be pretty freaked out if a random person approached me and said that they knew I self-harmed. Also, there's only like one week of school left so I don't know how things would play out in that sense. I agree with ickydog though about her type of friends. Also ickydog mentioned talking to her when we were together... We are *never* together in the same place, at the same time, just the two of us. I observed her SI purely based off of her sitting on the other side of the classroom during the one block we share together, and was only able to close-up see the scars because of the project we were paired for.

Frustrating..... It also doesn't help that I'm currently in a stage where I really miss SI.

Thanks for the advice so far guys

- AJ

I think if you're going to talk to her, then you should do it in person, not anonymously. Maybe you could give her the note and sign your name or something.

[grey_aj]

Wow you guys read my mind. Yeah, I was considering that too. An anonymous note would be strange I guess because it would be like "Hi I want to help you but I'm not telling you who I am"... ?

- AJ

[adam_k]

Self harm for me is deeply personal and sort of a last resort to cope. She may not be receptive to talking and having it brought up may trigger her feelings of guilt and shame. I myself have difficult talking about it to even my wife, but everyone is different. I would approch the situation with caution and try to be supportive and non judgemental. Sensitive issues for people like self harm can release a lot of emotions when confontred. Try to make it as non confortational as you can. If she feels pushed into a corner she could lash out at you or possible start crying because of it. She may also lie and make up excuses to what the marks are from.

I would start slowly and just extend your hand in friendship and tell her you can be someone she can talk to about it. I don't think I would leave an anonymous note, if you feel more comfotable writing her a letter put on it who it is from. If she gets an aanonymous note she could start to feel paranoid about it.

Those are just my thoughts. I don't know her or why she does it. People have different reasons and self harm does different things for different people.