slipped up

I slipped up yesterday. It was about two weeks since I did it last. Just feeling really down all week. Work stress, marriage issues, family memeber sick, feeling helpless. I don't know if I am getting depressed again, but I am feel really down. Talking to a friend helped me the last couple of days. It took the edge off and made things more managable. Not sure why I wanted to cut. I was Sitting in the bathroom for a while wondering if I even should.

It wasn't bad and is far from needing stiches or anything like that. I think I just wanted a moment's break. Blissfully numb is what I thought. Now I have a bakers dozen red scabs in the form of a line on my thigh. Not sure how I can hide it from my spouse. She never says anything about it, but I know it hurts her. I think she blames herself.

I don't know if I want her to be angry at me or if it is better she says nothing. If she was angryiI would attacked or hurt by it. When she says nothing I feel guilty. Maybe I can get lucky and hide it from her until they heal.

I think I feel disappointed in myself. That I couldn't fight off the urge to do it. That I felt the need to hurt myself. I'm starting to feel better today. Trying to fight all of the sadness back. I think I am coping better on the meds. Doesn't mean every day is sunshine and rainbows, but I think things would be worse now without them.

I think more than anything I just want some comfort. I want the security and trust to be restored in my marriage as well. I guess I am asking for a lot.

All I can suggest is taking it one day at a time - or one moment at a time if you need to. We all slip sometimes and that's ok. The feelings of regret/disappointment afterwards are normal and not easy but try to put them out of your mind if you can.

It's great you are starting to feel a bit better today. Try to focus on the positives and how to move forward from here. You can get up again

I'm sorry to hear you had a slip up. You're brave to keep fighting. I ve had some slip ups of my own lately. Hiding it or how to say it to my wife is always the hardest part. I hope that goes okay.
Have you thought about some other things that mightve provided you with relief?

Hang in there and trust your wife to help you through these hard times.

Thanks. I think she saw the cuts but didn't say anything. The only thing I have found that helps is talking to friends about things that are bothering me or sleeping until the urges go away.

If I could do that, I think things would be easier for me. Trust in my marriage is a sore spot. Also trying to talk to her about this stuff, seems to make things worse for me. She starts to get depressed, and gets emotionally distant from me. I just try to manage the best i can and quit talking to her about my depression.

No advice as usual just ((((adam))))

(I'm crap at advice often, but sending hugs and support)

Hugs. And keep talking to friends, sleep if you must. It sounds like you are weighted with decisions to be made...and trying so hard...
just now, I don't know why, I actually felt tears come to my eyes reading your post---
(you have to understand that one huge problem I have is an inability to cry...)
take care of yourself adamk, I know you are worthy.

I generally think we have a really good marriage, but my wife and I never talk about si. If she asked I would try to, but she never asks. I don't bring it up myself because I don't really know what to say. Plus its a weirdly private thing to do.

Sometimes a hug can be better than any words. Thanks for caring.

That is how I feel about it. I don't necessarily want her to get angry or talk about it. I just find it strange she doesn't acknowledge it. Maybe that is best.

For me it is a very private thing. Even from her. I always do it where no one can see. Usually on my upper thighs or ankles that are cover by socks or underwear. For me it is almost a ritual. A sort of self soothing. A way to go numb and be able to deal with awful feelings.

It has been 8 days since I last did it. Thought about it quite a few days, but I held off the urges.

Thanks for caring so much. I too have a hard time crying. The last time was a few days ago when I was writing something about a dear friend. I can't remember the last time before that. Months or years I think. I think crying can be a good emotional release.

I'm not so much weighted with a decision as I am unsure of how things will work out. I don't do well without trusting people. Most of my life when people have betrayed my trust I became emotional distance and very protective of myself when dealing with them. With my wife I am at odds of doing that. It is hard for a marriage to work and be emotionally distant and it is hard to talk to her not knowing if I can fully trust her. I'm trying to work things out. Marriage counseling helps.