Getting worse

I have really lost it.

I started cutting not so long ago - I just felt compelled and figured that it is still better than actual suicide.

The problem is; it is getting worse. The cuts are getting deeper, I'm getting more aggressive; it is so freaky - I feel I MUST punish myself very hard.

The instruments I use are getting more and more horrific too. From clean cuts I moved to anything that does a severe tissue damage including serrated knives and the sharp edges of bottle tops.

I cut into the same wound again and again until it is wide open, swollen and bleeding.

My arm is shredded. It is awful.

I just don't know how to stop.

I have such an aggression and hatred inside.

Frankly; I am a bit scared of/hoping for one cut going just that little too deep, almost accidentally.

Edda
I understand the release that takes place with cutting, but I also hear the fear in your voice over what you are doing to yourself. Are you going to counseling? If not, perhaps it is something you may think about doing to discover why you feel this need to hurt yourself. OR if you do workbooks, there is a simple book called the Scarred Soul that walks you thru self harm. it is really non threatening. I worked thru it until it came to the part about committing to not harm and I couldn't finish it, but I didn't harm again for over five years with the information I learned in the book. take care.

I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid, I'm in a pretty similar place. Just know that you are not alone. If you want to talk feel free to pm me