[Edda]

I'm freaking out.

A few days ago, with a single, clean slash of my survival knife I scarred my face.

It was awful and truly unexpected.

Having been recently dumped by "the One" - yes, I am mocking myself, big time - on that day I received a final, rather brutal blow from him, one that smashed the last remains of the wreck I am into smithereens.

I went into a rage of verbally abusing him and physically abusing myself. All hail to bpd.

I went into a self harming frenzy - if such thing exists at all. I cut my lower arm, multiple times as I do regularly but it just wasn't enough any more. I felt I must be punished extremely hard for I truly am worthless. It is so terrible but I genuinely feel that since I wasn't good enough for him, I really am an abomination and must be punished.

So I cut my face.

In all honesty, I had little or no control over it at all. Something inside me insisted that now that I am dismissed in such an awful way, everyone should see what a second rate, discarded rubbish I am. That I may not have any means of concealing the marks of my shame and terrible inadequacy, like I can conceal the scars and cuts on my wrist and lower arm.

I cannot hush the aggressive, urges to cut my face again, deep, so that everyone can see who I really am.

I am truly, truly scared and just don't know what to do.

Edda

[gayleggg]

Call your doctor or the crisis line. I know you feel bad about losing "the one" but he is not worth hurting yourself. You are not rubish, you are a living person and deserve better. Please seek help from a professional as soon as possible.
Gayle

[x_BabyG_x]

I'm sorry you found the face Edda

I used to do it too. I have scars on my nose and below my eye from years ago, but luckily they have healed to the point where only i can feel them.

Is there any where different you can cross over to for when you have these urges, try and talk the addict from sparing the face for the mean time?

It seems like you are in alot of pain and the self worth you have for yourself needs addressing and adjusting. Break ups are the worst, im sorry you are going through that. But there is light at the end. Just know you are not worthless and you do not deserve punishment, after all, isnt the pain of the break up 'punishment' enough? X

[Edda]

Thank you both, so much. Especially to you, Baby G - simply because you seem to relate to this crap I'm fighting.

The weird thing is... I see being worthless more as a fact than any kind of a misconception, delusion, etc.

It sux, really.

[x_BabyG_x]

I feel its the least i can do on these forums, i can only really respond to posts that i can relate to myself!

Its all a sense of perspective with this, you see it as a fact that you are 'worthless' when if you think about it rationally, its only a belief that you hold. Theres a big difference between the two (believing and knowing - see signature lol!), and its easy to have a negative filter over reality when you are in so much pain. I hope you find some shelter from the rain soon enough

[Idiot17]

((((edda))). perhaps call a crisis line or tour t?

[Fuzzybear]

[Grey Matter]

I am so sorry this has all happened.

I think your best bet is seeing a doctor ASAP. With our faces, scar tissue can grow more easily. And become infected easily as well. Care from a doctor can prevent scarring and infection far more than anything else.

Please take care.