[Edda]

... from feeling relatively strong, from almost having a sense of some sort of a substance inside to losing it all. Tipping over in a fraction of a second.

I don't belong anywhere. Not even here. I'm unable to accept support because I rarely believe that it's genuine. Other times I reject it square on because it comes from a person I can't respect. I seem to alienate everyone and I'm not even sure how much of a loss it is.

I get really desperate. I'm losing it all with people. For some reason self harm has become the only answer and it is getting worse. Deeper cuts, uglier scars. As if being in pain, bleeding, being exposed to the danger of a cut going just that little too deep would mean being loved. Comforted. Being held.

Sick, I know.

I think I have lost something. I see what's left of my life as a slow degradation that will end in isolation and tragedy.

I always end up in tears, bleeding.

[Wren_]

edda ... you aren't alone in it as far as ... i think so many of us struggle with support and belonging, i know i do ... and we turn to other things to try and give us the comfort we either can't find or can't accept from people
for you, you are finding it in hurting yourself .... for others it might be in alcohol, drugs, food, sex etc
that unbelonging feeling can be so strong; and so we use whatever we can to try and find a comfort yet it can often be a source of comfort that inflicts pain at the same time; because at some level we also don't believe we are allowed to have comfort
the "unhealthy" coping mechanisms .... because we don't know how to do or accept something else
have you been able to talk about the problem with accepting support with a therapist; or is that hard because even talking about it would be seeking support? (asking partly because for me it's something i need to talk about with my therapist, but keep putting it off somehow)
sorry for rambling ... i could just relate to a lot of what you wrote; and also wish it was easier -- for both of us

[ThisWayOut]

"I get really desperate. I'm losing it all with people. For some reason self harm has become the only answer and it is getting worse. Deeper cuts, uglier scars. As if being in pain, bleeding, being exposed to the danger of a cut going just that little too deep would mean being loved. Comforted. Being held."

that is something I struggle with, and actually just revealed to my T through a journal entry... we will be talking about it on Friday am sure (at least I hope so). I can totally relate...

[Edda]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

edda ... you aren't alone in it as far as ... i think so many of us struggle with support and belonging, i know i do ... and we turn to other things to try and give us the comfort we either can't find or can't accept from people
for you, you are finding it in hurting yourself .... for others it might be in alcohol, drugs, food, sex etc
that unbelonging feeling can be so strong; and so we use whatever we can to try and find a comfort yet it can often be a source of comfort that inflicts pain at the same time; because at some level we also don't believe we are allowed to have comfort
the "unhealthy" coping mechanisms .... because we don't know how to do or accept something else
have you been able to talk about the problem with accepting support with a therapist; or is that hard because even talking about it would be seeking support? (asking partly because for me it's something i need to talk about with my therapist, but keep putting it off somehow)
sorry for rambling ... i could just relate to a lot of what you wrote; and also wish it was easier -- for both of us

It has been established with my therapist that I am extremely judgmental. With myself and everyone else. I just - deep down - don't think that it is a bad thing. Which means I really am stuck; I either let it go and rub shoulders with people I secretly despise or accept that I will be mostly lonely and hated. I still think the latter is the choice to make. I think I only am interested in people I can fully respect. Even if it is a quest of a lifetime to find just a handful of them.

Thank you for your post. I actually appreciate it more than you might think.
Be well.

[Wren_]

thanks edda

thoughts from reading what you shared ....
do you have anyone at the moment you can respect fully ... and allow to support you? ... as in, for example; are you able to accept the help your therapist gives or are they someone you find it difficult to respect?

[Edda]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

thanks edda

thoughts from reading what you shared ....
do you have anyone at the moment you can respect fully ... and allow to support you? ... as in, for example; are you able to accept the help your therapist gives or are they someone you find it difficult to respect?

The one I fully respected recently broke up with me, wiping out all my fundamental beliefs. I am unable to move on, completely lost direction and have no resources to combat the raging hell I'm in. I am destroyed and I mean it in a very matter-of-fact way. I lost something.

I am no fool and since I prefer not to kill myself if only possible and hopefully build something that at least resembles a life I do fully cooperate with my mental health team but I am highly suspicious about their motives.

At this point there is absolutely nobody I can respect or trust. I guess that's why I'm here - the anonymity; seeing just fractions of people can be helpful - but it is no stroll in the park either.

[Wren_]

Hi Edda, I'm really glad you keep working on living ... it's something I keep finding very hard as well (one reason for my current signature quote of living being an adventure). That sounds like such a difficult situation you must have had with your previous therapist (and still having as far as dealing with the aftermath); and that's going just on the tiny bit you shared here