First time

I just started about a month ago, and I was in the same boat of thinking it wasn't an option. Once I did it once, it quickly turned into something I craved, even though I feel like crap after...

Yeah...I agree. I was just desperate enough and remember reading that it helped some people and gave it a try. Now I really have a lot of urges and am continuing to do it. It does give a sense of calm for a minute but usually feel pretty crappy after it.

Yeah. It just sucks... I hit 100 cuts today.... It's crazy to think about...

"Yeah. It just sucks... I hit 100 cuts today.... It's crazy to think about..."

I try not to focus on a "number" anymore. It only creates a desire to go for crazy numbers.... Now understand I do not cut deep. Mine are more like 2" *tally marks* (although lately I have been doing phrases and artsy stuff)....

But I have done as many as (no joke) 5,000 in one day. Good luck sleeping comfortably those nights.

wow... I only do a couple of very shallow cuts on my fingers when I do it... I use numbers as gauges... If I know how much I've done, I can set a limit... I don't want wildly large amounts of them, so I'm using it as a challenge instead of a goal... While I did have a sickening desire to hit 100, I have an even stronger desire to never hit 101... Will it work that way? Probably not. But I would rather set limits than goals when it comes to this because even if I cross my limit, I can always restart. It keeps me from doing too much at once at least. Once I feel bad enough for crossing the limit, I stop...

I kinda do that too.... but in darker days I was cutting and wanted to do 100. I went past it... so in my head I said - do 200. But when I got to 200 - i thought 500 seemed like a cooler number. So on I went. But lets be honest - 1000 is a MUCH cooler number than 1000........

See where this goes?

And i do not cut deep either. Just enough to bleed. Just enough to give some relief to whatever has me upset.

I have a really weird scar on my forearm from the only times I have cut.

I was feeling really bad one day when I was depressed. It was a worse day than others. One of those days where even existing was painful. So I cut.

I think I cut to see what all the fuss was about. I once tried cutting when I first heard about it when I was a kid in like grade 9 or 10.. but that was out of pure curiousity, not emotion. When I tried, I couldn't do it because I was like wtf? Why would someone do that to themselves?! It hurts!

Later on, it kind of lead to my rationale as to why I decided to cut myself. It's precisely because it hurts is why I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel physical pain to distract myself because the emotional pain I was feeling seemed unbearable.

however, that first time I actually SIed.. it didn't leave a mark. Just a temporary scratch.

My roommate came home. I tried opening up to her about how I was feeling. Said I felt like cutting again. She grabbed a knife and said let's both do it! (She was unstable like that... I mean I didn't think she'd actually suggest such a thing in my vulnerable state.. but people surprise you) I agreed. She really grated hers into her. I made enough to make a mark.

The next time, and very last time I did it, I did it under the same circumstances. Well, my roommate wasn't there. But I was in such emotional pain and so disturbed by all of it and didn't know where to turn to.. that I made a huge cut running perpendicular through the first one.

That's right. I know kind of have a scar that looks like the sign of the cross.

I was also going through stuff back then too. (back then.. this is like... 4 months ago..) Trying to find my place in the world. Was I meant to be religious? Or was I meant to be totally secular? Or could I just believe, but not have to be so damn uptight about everything and just be open-minded?

I dunno. I think I made my scar a cross to remind myself that crosses can save. I'm not trying to convert you guys.. but for me it had personal significance. Jesus died on the cross. I guess I made my scar into a cross as a way to prevent myself from doing it again. As like a poignant permanent symbol.

Like a permanent symbol that I too have suffered. It's almost like a warrior scar.

Oh I don't even know!

Because sometimes I get the urge to cut.. sometimes I look at my scar and think of opening it up again to make it stand out more or the lines more even (that's kind of weird.. isn't it? ).
But then I quickly try to shift my attention to something else.

I've also gotten rid of negative people who drain me in my life.. so I think that's helped too.

First time I was going to commit suicide. I chickened out, got mad at my cowardice, and just started slashing up my arms. Thankfully it was during fall so I could keep them hidden with sweaters.

How terrible.

I haven't done it for about 3 days now and am getting it healed bit by bit e

It's terrifying to me now. I do it now when I'm bored or anxious. I don't understand why I'm doing it or why I'm doing it now in my life. I'm ashamed of it.

Post here on the forum next time you feel the urge to do it, we're here to support and help each other

@psychmajortwenty2, I felt the same way the first time I tried to cut. I was in seventh grade and I couldn't comprehend why people would do that to themselves. So I ended up not.

In high school, I was thinking about SI again and also wondering why it seemed to make people "feel better". I was sad at this point. Then I accidentally got a cut and then it sort of went downhill from there....

So technically, my first time was in high school, and it was with the sharp point of a compass (the kind for drawing circles). POSSIBLE TRIGGER: I had to dig it in and go back and forth a few times. The scar is still on my wrist from three years ago. Barely there, but still there.

And of course it all went downhill from there.

- AJ

The first time I SIed I didnt actually know it was call SI or anything for that matter, I believed it was a normal response. I was like 4 or 5 and took my mom's razor up and down my leg and watched it bleed. I know, you are probably thinking "WTF?" I didnt know really what I was doing at the time and continued doing it throughout my life, it wasnt until middle school (this was in the 90s) that I went on the internet for the first time and saw people did this too. Then I had a name for it and that it was actually a behavior other people did. It was such an ingrain part of my coping for a very long time.

I burned myself with a cigarette once in the hospital and got send to the reallly really locked down unit and saw if I engage in this when in the hospital it will just make the experience all the more horrible and scary. I was where the permanently ill and lost from reality people were.

Best of luck to all of you, each moment is a victory.

I have suddenly realized the negative effects of harming my wrists will have on my career too. And having to always hide it under long sleeves.
I can't afford that

I know, I'm terrified of scarring but I still can't stop, which is what worries me. I can't hide my body forever.

Now it makes me wonder if I could get away with SI on my thighs, which people won't see. This first lot has just about healed and it frustrates me

Your SO will see your thighs. J do you still have a therapist that you trust?

I do have a T I can trust. She is angry about the SI. I can understand. I'm in such a toxic relationship that my SO would just not get anything. Arg - I felt the urge today, I still wear a bandage on my one wrist to make it less accessible, but now there's the other wrist

Ive been si for a while now but until recently it was more out of anger and now its just getting worse want to now.

Mine flares up every now and again