Feeling better

Is it weird that it actually makes me feel better? Genuinely feel better? I hadn't done it in a while and didn't want to. I gave in today and found my really bad mood lifting a bit. I felt more myself than before.

You might be unconsciously denying that you did something that you know isn't going to solve problems in the long run. Or maybe it's a biological dopamine thing. Either way, don't let it fool you! Do what you can to distract yourself and keep working hard. That's all I have to say for now.

- AJ

I don't think it's weird at all. Immediately after I always feel better but later on is when I feel worse. :/ I hope you're okay darling!

I'm okay. I guess I feel forgiven, pure, as long as I've been punished.

Yeah, it's a brief high due to the release of chemicals, but you're doing a lot more damage, and I just hope you can see that. The damage isn't just physical. Honestly, if it were so fantastic, I would still be doing it, but it isn't, so I'm not. I also used to do it as a form of punishment - I spent years punishing myself for something I probably needn't have, and you know what? I think enough is enough. Most of the crap I was punishing myself for, was just nonsense my OCD invented. ¬_¬ Not even remotely worth it. Chocolate releases chemicals or something; it feels great to eat it, but we don't spend our lives eating it 24/7; that's a fast trip to diabetes, heart conditions, rotted teeth, and God knows what else. Just because something briefly feels good, it doesn't mean it actually is.

What's the non physical damage?

I understand that. My thing isn't invented though. Maybe one day I can heal and forgive myself. Today is not that day though.

Emotional and mental damage, the damage to those that care about you (having experienced this, I can honestly say, that this hurt me more than any of my self-harm ever did) and damage to your future, not to mention the health risks.

Mine is/was real, or rather, it derives from things that are/were real - honestly, it doesn't matter what is or isn't real, because it always feels real at the time. We all have our stories and things that we use to justify it, but no matter how you spin it, self-harm is not the answer.

Do you have a therapist, counselor, or something? I hope so, because you need it, and I don't mean that in a horrible way, but a literal, straight-forward, honest way ... I regret that I went so many years without professional support; I consider it not too far from a miracle that I saw the light, without it.

I know it's not the answer. I know it doesn't solve anything really. Right now, it keeps me calm and relaxed when other activities don't.

it makes me feel awsome.

guess that's part of the reason i do it- as well as the fact i hate myself and my situation

I've been doing therapy for years. To be honest, it hasn't helped me any.

I hope that one day therapy will help. I also felt like you in respect to therapy, today was the actual first time in 4 yrs that I feel like today was productive, (with the same T). It hasn't been easy to stick with it either! I can't count on fingers and toes how many times I wanted to quit-better yet fire my T. doesn't everyone?

As for the cutting...I've only done this a handful of times. The first time I felt the comfort of it was in the hospital! Funny, everything was taken away from me except for one item that they didn't take. (Which, just in case I won't mention), I was only in for a week but there came a time where I just needed to do something and didn't want to talk to anyone. I found myself alone for a longer than normal period of time...I was thinking and got myself worked up. In the end I cut my leg. I felt much better and no one knew...I never did tell anyone. Until months later at home I was having a really bad night. I was trying to reach out to my T but he just didn't get it and I just got lost in my head. So I stared cutting. Afterwords I felt so much better. Next session, I told my T. He said that it was a rush because of the endorphins that get released by finding a way to divert the pain.
It's only temporary and doesn't last. Please don't think that I'm mentioning any of this to condone the practice. After that time, which was many many months ago, I haven't done it since. I still have my Demons to deal with but decided best not to take on another.
Please take good care! I know it's hard...very hard!