[LimeAid13]

I am so afraid. I feel so lonely. There is not a single person that I know who I can talk to about this. So, I am profoundly grateful that this community exists. I had not engaged in serious SI behavior in over four years. (Relatively minor things happen rather frequently.) Suddenly, yesterday, I did it in the bathroom at my parents' house. I don't know what happened. It was like I was on the ceiling looking down, watching myself. I was thinking "No, don't do that." But I just...did. It isn't much at all. But it is there, and it is obvious. I ran out of their house. They don't know why I left. I can't possibly tell them. I came back to the other house where I live. I cannot stop crying. I really thought I was ok. This episode of depression or whatever it is came out of left field, and it laid me squarely on my backside. My body feels so heavy. I can't get off the sofa. I've been taking my medication. I don't know what happened. I feel so scared. Obviously, I am not in control of my life at all.
I had to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding two weeks ago. I don't know how it's even possible, but somehow I love and hate my extended family at the same time. They have really been nothing but trouble for me all of my life. But I thought I had made it through that. I got through the wedding without SI, without getting wasted, and without getting in a fight with anyone. The wedding was on a Saturday, and on the following Monday, I had an interview for a graduate program that I applied to. I made it to the interview. I did not do a very good job, but at least I got through it. I believed that I was finally developing some healthy coping skills. I was wrong.
Something happened when I woke up yesterday morning. Out of nowhere, I just felt sick. I ache all over. My digestive system is on the fritz. I have no energy. It occurred to me - finally - that the university will not select my application. I failed. Again. For the 99,999th time. I will never be a college professor. I can't even hold a job. I will never amount to anything. I am an only child. I was my parents' only shot....and I failed again. I just couldn't take it. I was so angry at myself. So consumed with failure and self-hatred. I just snapped. Now I don't know how I am going to hide what I did from my parents. They don't know about this. I have managed to hide it for over twenty years of my life, but I don't know if I can this time.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the length and utter solipsism of this post. Again, I am so grateful that there is a place to share these feelings. Otherwise, I fear it would be unbearable.

[kaliope]

hi limeaid
you sound completely overwhelmed with your feelings and this is causing you to be really hard on yourself. I consider it a success to even get an interview with a grad program. pat yourself on the back for that. you love your family because there is a family rule saying you have to. that doesn't mean you have to like them. they wore down your defenses. you had no coping skills left. don't judge yourself so harshly for slipping back into SI. instead have compassion for the wounded child who resorted to such painful tactics and love her. take care of yourself.

[LimeAid13]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi limeaid
you sound completely overwhelmed with your feelings and this is causing you to be really hard on yourself. I consider it a success to even get an interview with a grad program. pat yourself on the back for that. you love your family because there is a family rule saying you have to. that doesn't mean you have to like them. they wore down your defenses. you had no coping skills left. don't judge yourself so harshly for slipping back into SI. instead have compassion for the wounded child who resorted to such painful tactics and love her. take care of yourself.

I cannot possibly express to you how much I appreciate your compassion. Thank you so much!!

[Victoria'smom]

Just because your an only child do not put this much pressure on yourself. You have time to fulfill your goals. BABY your wound, it's long sleeve session anyway, I'm sure you can find a way to hide it.if you don't want to ask to talk to them and tell them before they notice. Look you didn't screw up, you did what you felt that you need to.