[sugahorse1]

Just wanted to see what the razor would do. It was blunt. I was anxious and scared. Had to push hard. Got a few red lines and only one led to a small bit of blood. It stings a bit. I don't know what to think.
My bf saw it and I said it was from my horse and the stables...

[IGotThis]

My first intentional time was similar. I was doing a project for school... Was putting everything away, and wondered what would happen if I slid the blade of the scissors across my finger... It went deeper than I thought, but I didn't realize I had even pushed that hard till it was over. It bled a little. I blamed it on reaching in my bag without looking and bumping it...

By first intentional time, I mean I has had a few times where I would space out and just be careless... End up with a burn or a scratch. Nothing too terrible... But that was the first time I intentionally did it...

[breakmystride]

Be careful...my first time was also similar, I can't remember if there was any blood at all. But now, only a few months later, I'm to the point where I feel the need to cut deep enough to bleed several times a day. It's way too easy to get addicted to cutting.

[Samanthagreene]

My first time was less curiosity and more in a sea of terrible feelings. I told my friend my cuts were from moving boxes.

[fiddler32]

My first was up on my forearm (palm side). I cut once. Then cut in the same spot, over and over, for days. The result is a very wide, very obvious scar that will never go away. Try not to let cutting become a habit... I used to love my scars, now I hate them, and there's no way to remove them... and because of the places I cut, they are difficult to hide.

[sugahorse1]

I look at the little scars all the time

[IGotThis]

This is kind of a bad deterrent, but I am actually really lucky, because I mostly just did thin cuts on my fingers/ a little on my palm... As long as I wasn't doing jazz hands, you couldn't see them when they were fresh, and once they heal up a bit, they blend right in with the natural creases on my hand... It seems like they would be really obvious there. But they're not...

[sugahorse1]

Used a lighter today.... Asked my T what she'd do if she found out and she said i would be irresponsible and need to write about my emotions. I let her down

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

Used a lighter today.... Asked my T what she'd do if she found out and she said i would be irresponsible and need to write about my emotions. I let her down

I have learned that there are some things that I do that I will have to accept that let people down... The key is to keep talking about it... The more you talk about it, and the more you try to fix it, the easier it will be to handle. While they won't stop being disappointed, it will be easier for them to help talk you through it if you don't stop talking about it... While it feels terrible to let them down, it feels worse to try and keep it to yourself... Just keep working on it!! I have faith in you!!

[sugahorse1]

The blisters and burns don't look nice, but I'm not embarrassed. That's scary enough. The urges are strong. Did it again this morning.
Can't really show the nurses either

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

The blisters and burns don't look nice, but I'm not embarrassed. That's scary enough. The urges are strong. Did it again this morning.
Can't really show the nurses either

You need to turn over your lighter. I'm flabbergasted that they allow you to have one. Tell the nurses or your doctor what you have done. You are in the hospital for help and to stay safe. Hiding this from the hospital staff is only going to create more problems for yourself.

[IGotThis]

You're in the hospital?! How did you manage to get a lighter?

[IGotThis]

Or Internet access for that matter?

[sugahorse1]

They don't have an issue with Internet - either cell phone or iPad.

Lighter is for smoking. But I totally get you

[IGotThis]

Wow, when I went in, if you smoked, they locked up your cigarettes, and one of them lit everybody's...

And the only communication we were allowed to have is phones... Their phones... No Internet, no texting...

[sugahorse1]

They are lax like that.
But they should have sorted out me having a lighter
Damn - have enjoyed it. Self harm has such a good feeling

[sugahorse1]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

What's up?? :/

[sugahorse1]

Just the cravings... Bandaged it up now so it makes it harder, and I don't do it again. My T was very ANGRY

[IGotThis]

I can understand her being upset.... I am glad you bandaged it and that makes it harder... I understand entirely how bad the cravings are... I'm not even at my house, and I find myself wanting to look for something to use to cut... It sucks

[falsememory7]

My first time was also in a sea of motions, blinded by eternal sadness, seeming to be stuck in a world of gloom... I was relentless with breaking a razor, until I finally got the blade out, but it's too easy to get hooked. I've finally managed to be SI free for about a month and a half now, and I feel SO much better <3 please don't try to do it again! If you ever feel the desire, you can PM me, I'd love to talk to you and get to know you better

[sugahorse1]

I can't remember if I burnt today, but it would have been earlier and so far so good for the rest of the day.
Told my boyfriend who freaked.
If my psych comes back tomorrow, I don't know how this conversation is going to go.
It's stinging a bit, but the cravings are there a bit.

[Switch]

The most important thing with SI in hospital is let the staff know, but DONT SHOW OTHER PATIENCE. This can seriously trigger them, and they are here to recover. I unfortunately learned this the hard way, and disrupted someone's treatment. Please be very careful with this.

Also, try and focus on the fact that you're trying to get better, and SI - though feels good - is the opposite of getting better. Try and fight though the cravings as the result is only a temporary relief. Distract yourself with something that you can't hurt yourself. Charcoal or pastille drawings, playdo (my favourite), ice or cold packs, crochet. The staff at the hospital should have safe distractions like those. Maybe not the playdo... that's a personal thing for me.

Whenever I've been in hospital, except for one specific program that wasn't really "in hospital" we weren't aloud our phones, and they had a central computer in the common room. Some people were aloud headphones till curfew, as well as knitting needles and some sharps on some wards till curfew, but cigarettes and lighters or anything like that was locked up and you could only get them when you were off the ward.

Amazing the ways we try to sabotage our recovery processes!

[beloiseau]

I cut for the first time last week...I'm 24 years old. I'd always thought about it as not being an option, but something triggered me to want to try, because I read it helped give immediate relief. Three cuts on my forearm. I've had to wear a band-aid to work to hide them, because they are obvious and in straight lines. I did it again two days ago when I had a panic attack before work. I felt worse and terrified both times, but I still have the urge to do it again. I really don't understand it...I think the pristiq I was taking triggered it, but I'm not taking it anymore and still want to.