[Patagonia]

Mention SI
I need some advice please.
I was so triggered yesterday in T. I haven't SIed in months & now I know I will. I'm full of anger & rage & cutting will release that anger & pressure. I even emailed my one T & said I'm breaking my contract. Basically saying it's too old & needs to be reworked so I feel this gets me off the hook.
What's the hold up? My H! He sees it & now I try to hide it which makes it worse. He doesn't understand it at all & thinks it's stupid.
I emailed my other T & told her how angry I was & she gave me the standard answers...it's good ur talking about it....is there anything g else I can do....blah blah. Right now when it comes to this stuff I really want someone to read my mind bec SIing leads to shame afterwards.
Help me!

[gayleggg]

Hi, Patagonia. I really hope you manage to not SI. I know you have reached out for help from 2 Ts and not gotten what you need. And yes, my husband didn't understand either. His response was "just don't do that anymore".

Is there something you can do like jog or take a walk to let off steam? Anything that can keep you safe, because you are right SIing just leads to shame. I haven't SIed in several years, but there are still times that make me think it is my only way to control my emotions. So I know that it is hard to not do it, but do your best. That is all anyone can ask. If you need to you can PM me. I will be glad to listen.

[Patagonia]

Yes I did SI & did cause some issues. More for me & I've been able to hide it from my H. Now the problem is, as I thought it would be, i want more. This need for pain is becoming overwhelming. I get that tunnel vision & don't hear anyone. I don't care anymore. I don't care about my kids, my family, my life. Things are getting to a toxic level. I'm having homicidal thoughts about my T. I'm having SU. I can really see myself letting go to all the rage & just feeding it till it shuts down.
Once again the reaction of my H would send me into such a tailspin of guilt & shame it slows my thinking down. So I can't share this w/ him. I can't share this w/ my T saying, "last time we had a session you made me so angry now I wanto hurt you." Don't think she'll be all warm & receptive to that. I can't tell anyone anything bec it's so foreign from who I am on the outside I don't think others will believe whats on the inside.
It scares me... A lot!

[Patagonia]

How do I hide this now from my H?