I Got Caught

I can really relate to that phrase. Hope your weekend went okay. *Hugs to ya.

I was holing my own all last week & part of the wk before. I survived w/o my T's & even really forgot about them. Then I had a session w/ them today & it all came crashing down on me this morning & I feel all the way back @ square one. The little bit of trust I had going in the office is now gone & it's just safer not to talk.
The urge to SI after that appt was so terribly high & I knew I couldn't cut....so I burned instead. I work around a kiln & I'm always burning myself so it's an easy excuse. It felt good to be back @ it again & yet so terribly disappointed in myself. Things won't change.

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hang in there Patagonia.... I know how things can change quickly. I know how *unknown* things can trigger or send you spiraling downward - I hope you are okay.

((hugs))

I just can't seem to catch a freaking break w/ this T!
Really they cause more harm than good I swear!

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I had a very reactive T session. I know I'm not stable right now. I sent my H a text saying I have the urge to cut, but for him I won't act on it. I'm trying to share my feelings w/ him & reach out to him.
He texted back.
"You were fine this morning."

Why do I bother! So do I carry out my urge knowing the humiliation of facing him will be twice as bad?

I think so

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Please try to hold on and fight the urge sorry he was so insensitive and not understanding at all, but don't give up because of that

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. It can be tough to get someone to understand why. We have a natural instinct for self preservation and to keep ourselves out of danger. I don't think a lot of people cam see what someone would gain by doing it. It can be very difficult to share that with someone. I'm sure it feels even worse when you open up about it and feel judged or more ashamed of yourself.

The beat you can do is explain it to him. Why you did it and what it did for you. My wife knew that I struggled when we first got together. You can't really explain the scars and the only reasonable thing to do is explain it. I didn't do it for a long time. Then a lot of problems happened in my life and I think I exceeded my ability to cope with it. So I tried to deal with things the best I knew how. I still feel a sense of shame for the scars. I don't have any reservations about hurting myself. Sometimes I get filled with self loathing and feel like I deserve it. On the flip aide of the coin it is something that affects more than me. I may not care about hurting myself , but when I do there is also a side effect of causing her distress.

I think that is where your husband attitude is coming from. It is more about his reaction to your pain than how he feels about you. He may feel like if you don't hurt yourself or express sadness then everything is ok. When that is image is broken he gets angry or dismissive.

For myself I wasn't able to make my spouse understand or be supportive. Against my gut instinct I opened up about all of the depression, self harm etc. In hopes she would be able to suppport me. It didn't work out that way. When I leaned on her she sort of crumbled and couldn't cope with it. I try to have a couple supportive people in my life that understand my struggle to be a able to talk to.

The only thing you can really do is be honest with him and develop a support system for yourself so you have a way of reaching out when things get to be too much. If the self harm is a way of coping then it would be benifical to find another way to cope with what triggers your self harm.

I know he doesn't understand it, but I also know that he doesn't wanto understand. He's tired. Very tired of all this. & then asked me if I'm tired. "Oh noooo this is way to much fun!" I'm thinking. He worries about our kids & says they should be our main focus. I told him I'd never do anything in front of the kids!
Yeah I think I do burst his happy little bubble that everything is great when I bring these subjects up. I try to share more & he just wants them to go away more.
He's had enough.

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