I had been "clean" for quite a while…enough that I was putting bio-oil on my scars to help them disappear as much as they could.

But no, of course I start again, but as usual I'm rejected/lied to/led on. Honestly, I don't now what's going on. But I'm rejected and after I hurt myself the first time, I thought about things that made me feel inferior as a musician and I feel like I need to be punished for all those short comings. Now I just want to sit and practice with a blade in my hand so I can be punished every time I mess up.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I had been "clean" for quite a while…enough that I was putting bio-oil on my scars to help them disappear as much as they could.

But no, of course I start again, but as usual I'm rejected/lied to/led on. Honestly, I don't now what's going on. But I'm rejected and after I hurt myself the first time, I thought about things that made me feel inferior as a musician and I feel like I need to be punished for all those short comings. Now I just want to sit and practice with a blade in my hand so I can be punished every time I mess up.

I understand your need for punishment all too well. Please try to be gentle w/ yourself...find something relaxing & see if you can get thru 15 min w/o SI. Then try another 15. Go smaller if you have to. You can get thru this.

I've been able to get through today so far without doing anything…but what's the point?! I don't care anymore. It's not like anyone's going to see them. When's the next time someone's going to see my body? Oh that's right, never.

[Patagonia]

How are you today?
How did you do over the weekend?

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[Mike_J]

I have felt that way, that I deserved the scars...

My life has changed so much in the past couple of years, some for the better some not so much, but what I'm trying to say is you sound like you have given up on hope of finding someone (not that you need someone to have a full life) but you don't know what is out there in your future.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

How are you today?
How did you do over the weekend?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I survived…even though I was around other people, I felt depressed and alone for the most part. Especially when I went to this chapter meeting for an organization I'm in and I realize that I don't belong. And when asked what I do now that I'm out of school and I have to say nothing…it's so embarrassing. A lot of the people in the group have these big fancy houses…and everyone's married.

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I have felt that way, that I deserved the scars...

My life has changed so much in the past couple of years, some for the better some not so much, but what I'm trying to say is you sound like you have given up on hope of finding someone (not that you need someone to have a full life) but you don't know what is out there in your future.

I've found people, they just disappear out of my life as soon as I find them. And I find physical affection and emotional intimacy necessary for me, personally, to live a full life. I know that's not the case with everyone, but I want someone to talk to about anything who'll actually listen and someone who will hold me. That and to live a full life, wouldn't that also include experiencing everything you possibly can? Including love and sex? I don't think I've ever experienced actual love of any sort…and personally I don't want to die a complete virgin.

I do know what is in my future…everyone sees me as damaged goods and no matter how hard I try to be good enough and useful, relationships end up being more one-sided with me. I don't want that, but it always ends up that I'm always the one the needs something and if the other person needs something, I may or may not be able to provide it. Why would they bother with someone who is going to be a hassle, who's always going to end up a burden?

I need to stop letting people really get to know me, it's just hard to hide things like my diet and that I can't (or shouldn't) be carrying heavy things. I can at least hide the cuts.