I had to fight myself earlier to not get that bottle of vodka....I lost.

I've been fighting these urges to cut for weeks. It's been six and a half weeks since the last time I properly cut...I say properly...the other week there were a few scratches but that doesn't count. Not really.

But every time I drink I'm pushing myself that little harder. I make it harder for myself to not give in to the urges. And that is why I drink.

Tonight I want to cut. I'm tired of fighting. So I guess that's why I got the vodka. To encourage the cutting.

Did I mention I was tired of fighting?

[tealBumblebee]

Secretwhisperer, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling! We all fall down sometimes, and its okay. We just have to try not to stay down. You've done a good job being strong/fighting for what you want, I encourage you to keep pushing past those urges despite how strong they feel right now. Either way I love you and hope you are feeling better soon!

[mazing]

So sorry to hear that you are struggling that much at the moment. Hang in there. The urges will pass again. It does end.

And Bumblebee is right - we all fall at times. What is more important is what we do afterwards.

Thinking of you

Thanks I managed to make it through the night without somehow. I am literally itching to do it though. What makes me want to not fight it and just give in? I feel annoyed that I didn't do it rather than happy.

[Fuzzybear]

Getting even stronger now.... How long can I keep putting it off for?

I'm just thinking **** it. Who cares that its been 7 weeks. Just **** it all.

[SheHulk07]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with these urges, and I hope they pass for you.

I gave up fighting, and haven't made it through a day without cutting this whole past week.

The only thing thats working for me is just going to bed. Luckily I can sleep lately, when that stops though then I don't know. It is getting so hard to keep making the effort and stop myself from cutting

[Switch]

I understand wanting to give in secretwhisper, but sometimes it's that wanting to give in that will carry us through. Don't be mad at yourself if you do give in (that's not permission to cut), but try your best. I know you're tired of fighting.

When I get like that, I write poems about how much I want to give in. They usually end in "but now I know I won't". and a bit more anger because i want to but now I've built a wall that even though I'm sabotaging myself (i use music and liquor too), I know I won't.

I don't normally comment on this board but I've responded to your threads before and i'm sorry you're suffering.

Self harm is like an itch you can never scratch - self harm only leads to more self harm, it's so awful in that it promises something it will never give, it never relieves it only fans the flames higher.

I'm covered in scars, truly covered. I've not harmed for a considerable length of time now. I stopped when I realized that it was mostly other people who were causing me to want to do this to myself. I figured why should they be allowed that type of hold over me - they should be the ones hurting not me. And as long as I kept reminding myself of that the urge to harm became gradually less and less. It really was that simple and I realize i'm lucky in that respect.

I don't know why you harm, I just hope that eventually you come to a greater understanding of it and manage to stop.