[SheHulk07]

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My therapists and crisis line workers always ask me if I can be "safe" when I see them. I always say yes, but days like today I really wonder if I truly know I can. The urges are so strong, and I've already cut today to try to get through it but it's still there.

I saw my T this morning, and I was triggered talking about my black and white thinking, and on the way home I kept thinking about how my therapist is probably just sick of me, and sick of hearing about the same thoughts every week. I know this is EXACTLY what he was talking about, but I can't change this thinking over night, and I just wish I could.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure every day, sick of coping, sick of the constant stress. I can't even call my crisis line because our phones are shut off.

to me it means "are you PLANNING on killing yourself".

[SheHulk07]

I don't have any plans, I just know when I'm feeling like this, the urge is so strong that I might just do something. If that makes sense.

[mazing]

Useless me is right - the way I perceive it is in regards to suicidal thoughts.

If you are struggling can you contact someone? Sometimes it can help to reach out early before the urges become so strong that you can't manage them anymore.

Thinking of you

[SheHulk07]

I contacted the suicide chat but still just took the rest of my fiorcet pills tonight (7 of them). My phone is disconnected so there's no way for me to call the crisis line. :-( I fail.

[mazing]

Amy, overdosing on those kinds of medications can be very serious. Please, if you start to feel nausea or pain in your stomach contact a health professional. It can cause long-term damage if not treated.

Could you maybe try an online support service since you still have internet access? I know that a lot of people have used and would recommend Crisis Chat in the USA.

[SheHulk07]

Crisischat is the one I use, and been on it multiple times today. My anxiety is on overdrive today, partly thanks to severe pms.

[mazing]

Hang in there and continue to use it if you need to. These extreme feelings will pass again.

[SheHulk07]

Thank you. I'm trying but seems like these feelings are getting worse. I just upped my meds on Monday to see if that makes a difference, talked to my doctor about it, because my dose wasn't doing anything.

[Idiot17]

Hang in there.

[mazing]

It can take time for med changes to kick in. Hopefully the increase will help in time.

How are you doing?

[SheHulk07]

I hope so. I've already been on the med for 6 weeks and feel worse. Coincidence because it's the holiday season?

And I'm still very stressed today. We just got a 3 day notice for rent, and now we have to come up with $1000 to pay it. My husband is going to have to take some time off on Monday to go to a rental assistance workshop and pray we get some help.

[SheHulk07]

I hate feeling like this, I hate that everything bad is happening all at once, right before my son's birthday on Tuesday and before Christmas.

I don't know why I keep bothering...

[mazing]

You keep going for the good things - like your son's birthday. I know it is hard but not everything will be bad forever. It will get easier again.

[puzzclar]

It does get easier!!
As for the safe thing, I've struggled with that, but I have learned that if I stay in a room where there is nothing that I would use, then it helps me to be "away"

Wishing you better days

[SheHulk07]

I stopped carrying my pills with me to try to be safe while I'm at school and such, but this time I was at home and my husband left for a little bit to go to the store.

My crisis therapist is supposed to call me tomorrow, and talk about reopening me for the next 2 weeks, but she can't get a hold of me with my phone off. Ughh.

[Victoria'smom]

With me safety is the ability to feed, cloth, and shelter yourself with out help but for me it also means the ability to not do life threatening impulsive acts or impulsively harm others with in the next 2 wks.

Speaking for myself.... Funny thing about "how do you know you can be safe".... When i am in a "bad place" - that is when I do not CARE to reach out for help.

So when my T asks me this.... I can not help but laugh to myself.

[Daeva]

To me it's a risk of suicide, if you feel you endanger your life you are not safe.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

With me safety is the ability to feed, cloth, and shelter yourself with out help but for me it also means the ability to not do life threatening impulsive acts or impulsively harm others with in the next 2 wks.

If I went by the first part of that statement, I'd be fine. I still get up everyday, take care of myself and my kids. It's the impulsive self harm when I get overwhelmed that puts me at risk because at that point I don't care what happens to me.

[SoupDragon]

l can really relate to this. My T says to call if things are difficult. But l never know how to gauge them as difficult. Those dark thoughts are constant, so at what point do they become unsafe? While l can resist, them l guess l am safe, but when l can't resist, i.e. become unsafe, then it is too late to contact T. l just try and tell myself to have faith in the process, that however difficult it feels, it will pass. l hope things soon feel better for you. Soup.

[Daeva]

I too have some of the same issues Soup. I have difficulties coping, and am just discovering what I can cope with, but when are you coping and when are you just falling apart? I try to cope trying 5 different things, but nothing works and the demons are still there. I can scribble on paper all I want but it doesn't work.

I heard once T's are only suppose to teach you how o cope, but I don't think coping with suicidal thoughts the best way to deal. Shouldn't there be a point where a T draws you back from the edge, rather than teaching you how to properly balance and dance across the edge?

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Daeva

I too have some of the same issues Soup. I have difficulties coping, and am just discovering what I can cope with, but when are you coping and when are you just falling apart? I try to cope trying 5 different things, but nothing works and the demons are still there. I can scribble on paper all I want but it doesn't work.

I heard once T's are only suppose to teach you how o cope, but I don't think coping with suicidal thoughts the best way to deal. Shouldn't there be a point where a T draws you back from the edge, rather than teaching you how to properly balance and dance across the edge?

I feel the same way. There's been days lately when I feel like I'm just falling apart and not coping. Everything that my therapist have suggested have not been helping, and it's like when do they stop trying to help you cope?

[Daeva]

Yes! At what point do they give up or get frustrated? I'm constantly afraid of that, People always ditch when they realize how difficult I am to handle.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Yes! At what point do they give up or get frustrated? I'm constantly afraid of that, People always ditch when they realize how difficult I am to handle.

I'm afraid of the same thing. That they're going to think I'm difficult and give up on me.