[bwkeys45]

I just don't know what's going on, to be honest. I've had a lot of assessments and doctor's visits recently, and of course the "have you ever harmed yourself?" and "do you have suicidal thoughts?" questions came up. I have never harmed myself in the way most people would think- I scratch myself, bite my arms and fingers, or snap elastics on my wrists hard enough to leave a mark, but have never cut myself. I also don't have the suicidal thoughts most people would expect, either, because I love life and would never want to end mine... the thoughts just pop up out of nowhere and I can't do anything about them. Anyways, since I've never felt like I fit into the large majority of people with the same problems I have, I've never really thought that I had any big problems at all. I would pass them off as little things that didn't matter, thinking "I am in control". Now, though, with all of these people asking me these questions, I'm starting to get really embarrassed and shameful when I tell them. I thought going into it that I had no problems, but now I feel less in control- like something else has been controlling me all this time and I'm just realizing now. I'm not really sure what my question is... "has anyone else had this sort of thing happen?" or "is it normal?" I guess.

[mazing]

:It is definitely normal I personally can definitely relate to the thoughts of 'it's not that bad' and 'I'm in control of this. It's ok'. It can be extremely hard to come to the realisation that may not be true.

For me, I have found it best to try and not compare myself to others. Even if your experiences and actions now are not the same as others they are obviously having a strong impact on you. Your actions may not be the way others try to cope but try not to be embarrassed. They may not be the healthiest ways to cope but they have helped you in some way. They have been the best way you have found to manage those thoughts. And the doctors are there to help. The best way they can help is for you to be as honest as you can be with them.

All I can suggest is take it slow. It is fantastic that you love life. It is a great start to working through why you sometimes have those thoughts and feelings. Work with your doctors and try not to over-analyse it all. Slowly, in time, you can get control back over the thoughts.

And please continue to post too. Sometimes just being able to talk to people who have been through something similar can help.