Took it to far

So angry with myself for not being able to tell my mom and my sis about my bpd. I have tried a couple different times and each time I just can't say the words. And each time I try and fail I get more angry with myself.So yesterday I beat myself in the head as hard as I could with my fists,repeatedly. And I may have went to far cause my vision got all blurry and tunneled with a severe headache.

It is not necessary that you tell them. Is there a chance you'll be invalidated by them if you do? I know the feeling of wanting to let people know, but think about it before you do...seriously. Do you think I'd get it and try to understand or think you're using it as an excuse for bad behavior. There's nothing worse than literally beating yourself up about not telling them, angonizing about it, and finally doing it and them discounting it or telling you it doesn't matter, or worse, shunning you because of it.

I understand the need/want to SI after not being able to do something you feel the need to...and I very sorry you feel this way. I'd recommend meditation prior to making any decisions. I have a lot of resources if you're interested.

I hope you are feeling better and the headache and vision problems cleared okay by themselves. Remember this worry about going too far and see if you can think of another way to respond when you get so angry?

I'm going through the same thing, wondering if I should tell my family. I talked to my T about it and she said it's all about timing. If you can't find the right words to say it now, wait. It doesn't mean you're withholding information or lying to them, you're just waiting for the proper time.

Words don't matter; what does matter is their preconceived notions of you. If they don't believe anything is wrong or that you just act out and act badly for attention, a diagnosis isn't going to change their minds. To be honest, all it'll do is confirm what they already believe. It sucks, but it's true.

Yes, I'm scared of that too... It is easy to think that people can change, but harder to accept that they most likely won't. I know they care about me, but I think they truly think that the only thing wrong with me is myself.

While your past and who knows what else may have caused you to be who you are, you are what you are and only you can change it. No amounts of drugs or professional help can directly make that change for you. The best thing to do is to study yourself....hard, and read as much as you can about your problems as you can as well as treatments (my big one is mindfulness and meditation). Work on you as though your entire life depends on it...in many ways it does. If you don't see your issues clearly, there is no way you can change them....you can't change something you can't see, and change WILL come. It will be at a snail's pace and on many days you will go backwards more than forwards, but you WILL change if you are dead-set determined to do so.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done and infinitely frustrating and I often don't see much change, but others on this site can so that's a start. When I first started having issues about two years ago, I kept asking WHY...constantly asking WHY. I get most of the whys now....and I have to use that info to slowly but surely make effective change. You can too.

Thank you, reading that helped a lot. Such wise words.

Well I told my family and now I am wishing I didn't. Their response drove me to drink and to start burning again. So mad at myself for not listening to the advice people on here gave me. Even my T told me to seriously think about it. But I really thought I would be validated by them and they would understand. But that did not happen. They actually looked at me and said "I don't see it". So I gave them some papers I printed out about bpd. They read them and said "nope,you don't have that,you're just a little depressed". I was/am crushed. So now my secret is out and I still feel I am alone. It was so devastating I dreamed that I took a bunch of pills and went to their house to end it.
Glad I get to see my T later today.
Anyone who is thinking about telling family members about having bpd please please please think twice about doing so. And then don't do it.

Thank you Perna. Yes my vision has gotten better and the headache has gotten better. Took a few days for it to go away. Really had me worried I did some serious damage this time.

I will tell you this and you can possibly look at it as a consolation, I don't know. You and I remember things; we can't let things so, and we live in the past. Others do not. In several weeks, a month, your family is not likely to remember that you even told them. That is hard as well, but they cannot look down upon something they don't remember. Work on yourself and to hell with your family and anyone else who refuses to support you or invalidates you. Work on yourself; that's all that really matters.