growl

As a housewarming gift, a friend sent me a huge cooler of Omaha Steaks, and a set of really good knives, and I am itching to break one out and do some damage. Because, you know, I just don't give a damn right now. Unfortunately, that's when I'm most dangerous to myself.

There are two reasons I cut. One is so I can feel something. The other is because I feel too much.

OK, there are 3 reasons -- one is so I can punish myself for being a useless piece of shite.

All 3 are bombarding me right now.

I should be a good girl and go take some extra Geodon and go to bed, but I just don't care.

Not only am I a useless piece of shite, I'm a complete and total fraud. I don't know how I've fooled so many people into thinking I'm competent and in control, but it's crap.



Too bad there isn't a smiley for :serious self-loathing:

CB

You are NOT worthless. You are very important... especially to us here at PC. Please don't go near those things, just stay away from them. Do you have someone who is near you that knows about your SI? If so call them, see if they could come over for awhile. See if they could take away the knives.

Please take care

((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Yesterday marked the end of my 3rd week in this town. I don't know a soul besides my landlady, who is in her late 70s and undoubtedly in bed at 8:00.

You know what's keeping me from doing anything? I'm on blood thinners, and I don't feel like cleaning up the mess.



thank you for the reassurance, though. I took an extra Geodon and I'm going to bed.

CB

Candy, you've come so far. Don't do anything to harm yourself, please. It isn't worth it, believe me.

{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}

((((((((Mary Alice)))))) I behaved, but am reserving the right not to.

How do you get through it when the urge is so strong? The extra Geodon took a million years to work and then I was up every 2 hours anyway, so it's a failure as both a sleeping pill and a way of taking the edge off immediately.

I'm trying to figure out why I still feel like a failure when I'm having success after success, but that's another forum.

Candy

Every time I look at my arms and my legs and see all the scars from burn marks and cuts, it stops me in my tracks. That's how bad I injured myself, Candy. It's horrible and I can't undo any of it.

If you find the answer as to why you feel like such a failure let me know. I'm going thru the same thing these days. We can get thru this together though - that I am positive about.

Please take care.

Unfortunately, I guess, my scars are not a deterrent to me. They make me sad most of the time, that I felt so bad I had to resort to that -- but it doesn't stop me from feeling bad enough to want to do some more.

I'm in a really bad self-loathing phase right now and I seriously just don't give a damn what I do to myself, because I totally don't matter to myself. I look in the mirror and loathe every cell, and so why should I take care of myself? It doesn't matter. The more I try to self-destruct, the more I hate myself, and it goes on and on till the only way I know how to get rid of it is to hurt on the outside as much as I hurt on the inside.

Candy,

Feelings of failure, especially when they are on childhood tapes, die hard.

Being a reporter is a very stressful job. Every time you write another interesting story, you are recording over the old tapes.

Hugs,

EJ

That is wierd how you can be doing well on the outside and still feel like a failure. I get that too. Somehow it doesn't feel okay to succeed - I guess I'm failing at being a failure, which had been my defined role in life. Isn't that nuts? The feeling is real though.

Keep on hanging in there, and you can PM me any time. I'm a little frazzled and out of it these days because I'm moving and trying to wrap up my old job and tie up loose ends, and find a new one (driving back and forth - 4-hours each way - for interviews) and keep up with school (have to double up starting next week to catch up with the class where I'm moving to). So I might not see every post on the boards, and might not be fast writing back, but if you PM or email me I will read it and will respond when I can.

Love,
Rap

p.s. I hereby give you permission to be successful, no matter what anybody else thinks!