[BPD Ghost]

I usually cut when I'm on the road to feeling very suicidal. It makes me feel better and better each day after I've cut. Doctors say it's the adrenaline that we become addicted to. But there's something more there. I feel like it flips a switch in my head. It says lots of things. It says now my pain is real. A physical thing I can see. It says that I've done penance for my bad thoughts and behavior. It says that I'm strong and can handle the pain and the mental issue of cutting myself. There's way more to it than even that. It's not just an addiction, it's salvation.

[hahahahah]

You are so right about it being a physical pain, something you can see and feel and clean up and take care of. Mental anguish is so invisible and intangible. Anyone can relate to a physical injury but mental pain is so hard to describe and even when it isn't, you never know if anyone understands fully.

I know I started cutting back in my early teens because I wanted to cry so badly but the tears wouldn't come. The blood from cutting was like symbolic tears to me. Then I just kind of a had an addiction to that stinging sensation you feel for the next couple of days, that pain that reroutes your thinking from all the emotional suffering to a physical part of your body.

I guess the word I'm putting to it is distraction.

[Sam2]

Its been two years for me, but the urge is still there. What I hate is people thinking that cutting is just a way to get attention. 99% of the time, I never told anyone.

There must be different kinds of SI. I know that when I used to cut, and they were deep down into muscle cuts, it didn't really hurt. I would just sew them up myself without any lidocaine and it didn't bother me.

Last month, I looked up SI to see what others had done. There were people who had given themselves compound fractures of the lower leg with hammers. They must not feel pain during that instant.

You are right about a wound being visible. The problem is, once its known that you have done it yourself, say in an emergency room, it gets labled as a mental illness and you are right back where you started from.

Be careful. Besides being addictive, its so easy to have something go wrong. In a way, cutting gives you control, but it can easily turn into an infection that you have no control over. Losing a limb for a week's peace is a pretty high price. Please be careful.

Sam2

[hahahahah]

Hey Sam2, out of curiosity, when you sewed yourself up did you have an actual suture kit? Where did you get one if you did? Recently I needed stitches but wouldn't go to the ER so we just used steri-strips. Stitches would have been much more helpful and if this ever happens that badly again, I'd like to be prepared.

Originally Posted by BPD Ghost

I usually cut when I'm on the road to feeling very suicidal..... It's not just an addiction, it's salvation.

Truer words were never spoken.

I can totally relate to these thoughts. In my mind (as twisted as it may be) - cutting is not a bad thing it is a *life saving thing. It should be praised.


* if done SAFELY

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by hahahahah

Hey Sam2, out of curiosity, when you sewed yourself up did you have an actual suture kit? Where did you get one if you did? Recently I needed stitches but wouldn't go to the ER so we just used steri-strips. Stitches would have been much more helpful and if this ever happens that badly again, I'd like to be prepared.

I had some from a long time ago that was still sterile. I wouldn't advise it though. If you cut deep enough to need sutures, you probably cut something important. By doing it myself, I compromised the circulation in my leg. One vessel was large, and without it to help return the blood to my heart from my leg, the leg swelled and for a while, I was worried about winding up with a dead leg.

Steri strips would probably be better. I couldn't use it on my leg because the wound was too deep. enough to put a finger in up to the second knuckle.

I hope things brighten for you, even if its just for a little while. Having to cut is born of such desperation that no one should ever have to feel that bad.

Sam2