[puzzclar]

I told my T a little too much, I was vulnerable beyond what I feel like I should have said. and so far I have been replaying that scene, the words and everything that is remotely similar. Right now I just want pain. I want that scene to be replaced with something else.... anything really would work just not anything that is related to SI and SUI and past experiences. Besides pain... what else could I do to just get rid of all of this?

[smmath]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Could you read a book or go for a walk and get some fresh air?

[Frankbtl]

You know sometimes it takes real strength to make yourself vulnerable, and maybe the connection helped you to do that. If there's that trust there for you to have said what you said then you must have felt/feel that you are in a safe place with your therapist do you think?? So, maybe not as much need for it to bother you??
Or maybe you just needed (inside you) to "get it out" and broke down the barriers to do that. So perhaps you should "allow yourself" that and make the most of it in the process of moving through things??
Sometimes it is going to get harder before it gets better, in terms of facing and voicing things. And perhaps instead give yourself real credit in putting out there what you needed to??
So when you replay the scene try to look at you in that scene in a different light, you weren't weak, you were strong in being able to say what you did. Allow that thought/image to replace what you are feeling right now.
Best wishes
Alison

[puzzclar]

Good point, I didn't think about it as being strength. Which makes it a little easier.

[puzzclar]

I gave in.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

[GirlOfManyFaces]

At least you asked for help. That shows you want to improve
>>>hugs from me<<<

[Frankbtl]

You did fight against it and reached out for help, you are on the right track. Don't give up. Here for you.
Alison

[puzzclar]

Yes, but I gave in, in the end. Now my thoughts are scattered, and I don't want to go to a rehearsal... since my hand is painful, and I should take it easy and not go, but.....

I'm trying to get work done but it's not happening. The drive back to campus didn't help either.

I'm on the right track but..... (censor).

[Frankbtl]

Hi puzzclar, yes you gave in but you held out first as long as you could!! You'd had a really emotional experience and you tried to deal with it at the time, you DID try!!
Although the thoughts of what you did..............may still be there, they don't have to take you back......Now you ARE in a clearer place if you can try to give yourself the chance to forgive (?) yourself (although nothing to forgive!) and move that little bit more forward. You DO have so much strength, even though I know it's hard to recognize right now, it's still there, it's still real.
And as for the therapy session, you know you made a massive stride, feel proud of yourself. You really can put that session more to the back of your mind right now if you want to/it makes you more comfortable, but know you really are going to have something to your advantage the next session/s or whenever you feel ready.
Now, taking away everything else, just how important is it to you that you go to rehersal? Do you think you could make that decision as YOU/ as in what's best for YOU?
Go with what you feel but know that you HAVE got the option/CAN do either/or. It is down to YOUR personal preference at the end of the day.
Alison

[puzzclar]

I did go to rehearsal, but at a cost. my tendon is a bit more inflamed, but I will have PT in a bit, which should help. There's just so much going on. I want to play clarinet that it's worth the pain, not to mention it also decreases the possibility of SI. My mind just is stuck on the experiences, and I've exercised today, I've practiced, I just haven't done to many school assignments (Which is a bigger issue.). I'm falling behind in my classes, and not feeling up to doing much. which also increases chance for si.
I also feel like I'm not good enough because of the slip, that I'm not up to everyone else around me... (ie in rehearsal I am not hitting all of the right notes at the right time due to physical limitations, and everyone around me can hear it, but it bugs me even more)
I want to say that all is well, but honestly I'm a little scared to go home tonight, due to being alone, which increases chance of si.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, it sounds like you're under a fair bit of pressure at the minute with everything, schoolwork etc. For the schoolwork/assignments do you think you could talk to a teacher/tutor about some of the difficulties you're having? I'm guessing you're falling into a bit of a cycle of depression, not feeling like completing stuff or not doing as well, falling behind, feeling bad about it all (in fact everything)...............Perhaps if you had either a bit of breathing space or some techniques in helping you complete assignments/schoolwork that might help just a little??
As for you're not up to everyone else around you though........everyone has their weaknesses however good you think those around you are at something there are going to be plenty of people who are better than them at other things, and if you look inside yourself I'm sure there will be things YOU'RE better at than them. Now that can be in anything and often the smaller things matter just as much, if not more, than the bigger things.
And let's face it how well do you think that some of them would do, coping with some of the things you've gone through/are going through?? It's my guess that plenty of those wouldn't manage half as well (and that's not meant to be taking anything away from how you're feeling).
And of course you know with depression you can often focus a lot more on what you aren't/can't do than what you ARE/CAN DO and see big negatives when in actuality things aren't really quite so significant. Plus maybe you're not noticing others mistakes quite as much e.g. in rehearsal if you're focusing a little too much on you think you could do better????
Have you talked about this with your therapist as well? Maybe it would help if you haven't?

But last thing (!!) I've got to say (!!) Do you think you should get your tendon checked out medically in case you need any treatment for it (that's if you haven't already)?

Here if you want to talk more though............

Alison

[puzzclar]

I've been in treatment for my tendon for the last few months. Tore a tendon and then tendonitis. I've been doing PT 2 times a week in hope that surgery won't happen. and today there's like no pain what so ever, but then again I also like feeling pain (part of si)
Yes part of this is depression but I also hate telling people about it, especially instructors.
I have been increasing in physical activity, and trying to stay up to date on my homework. But for the first time in a couple of months the sui thoughts are back....I'll see my T on Tuesday and have group on Monday for MRT. I have a few people to call, and things to do, as long as I force myself to do them and just stay busy. It's a plan in place, and that's all I can do, I just hope that I can find the strength to get through all this.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, you do sound really in tune with trying to work your way through things and having a plan in place is excellent!! Just allow yourself a little flexibility with that though e.g. there may be times when you really can't force yourself to do things, you might not feel like calling someone.......So absolutely a plan (!!), just a few back-ups in there as well though if you haven't already got some??
As for telling people/instructors about feeling/being depressed, I can understand if you feel it's a really personal thing you want to keep private. And you don't even have to tell your instructors all of it if you don't want to, in order to get a little extra help/support from them.
Even letting them know you feel really under pressure and overwhelmed by things might help.
But as long as you know that you shouldn't feel ashamed, embarrassed, weak, not good enough..........in telling people about how you're feeling.
But the lack of/need for pain when you're finding things hard (sorry if this is a "been there, tried it"!!), have you tried the less "damaging" sources e.g. wearing/snapping a rubber band or holding ice cubes??
It is really good that you're getting help though, and real respect for following through with that. Just try staying as open as you can be in your sessions. I know that may be really hard but one step at a time.......
Alison

[puzzclar]

One step at a time seems almost impossible. I found out that the information that I was presented with for insurance was a bit wrong.... stupid deductibles. and then there's the list of things that I need to do... and just can't seem to find the will to get it done. It seems like everything is put upon me and I just can't handle it....... not to mention the medical expenses for my hand, for my mind and not being able to work. Then add the sui thoughts that are coming strongly tonight.
I need to study but just finding no will to do that.... partly since it seems like my world is just going crazy.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, just make sure you're not overloading yourself or putting too many expectations on yourself (I know even one or two things are really hard, right?!!). If something's too much, it's too much!! So maybe just prioritize just a few things you need/are kind of ready to focus on getting done. Even if you can just start them.......
And if nothing else it's about you, it's about today and whatever it takes to get through!!
And if you could just have a hotline number ready for the just in case??
For the insurance, I'm not from over there so sorry but stuck on anything that might help, but I did notice a forum on here for that if it might help- "insurance and finances"?? Worth a try?? Anything that could ease things for you even if just a little!!
Alison

[puzzclar]

I have to wait until Monday before I can do anything about the insurance.

I can't take this any more. I si, then feel even worse, because I know it's wrong. I don't understand this, is there anything that will help?????? and then the other thoughts come to mind, of sui. I don't know what else to do.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, if you think you are in danger first stop has to be ER (hospital). Now that needn't necessarily mean that you're going to be admitted, it might mean that they give you medication and have you stay (maybe admit you for a short time for this) for observation/assessment. But whatever comes of it the most important thing is that you're safe and that you're helped.
Alison

[puzzclar]

I actually missed my morning meds yesterday. But there is one thing that I have to do tonight and I really don't want to do it.... It's for MRT, I'm on step one but honestly confronting the problems tends to create problems for me. but maybe this will be different for me.

I should have called someone, but I just don't do that. I hate admitting that something is up, or just having those thoughts tends to freak me out a bit. I know my T may say why didn't you call, but that doesn't freak me out as much, as just hearing or seeing or reading texts of concern.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, really sorry but I'm from the UK so you're going to have to fill me in on "MRT". Might have something similar here but not with those letters. Anyway sounds like a real commitment going there, as you'd like to be able to push past what's making it difficult to do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing for it. Sometimes just throwing yourself into someting, not giving yourself a chance to back out can help.
But as well you may need to give yourself a break here and there, because sometimes even "small" looking things CAN BE impossible when you're feeling really depressed. And that's not about you not doing well enough, it's all about the depression.
And you know maybe you should be thinking "how well/much do I HAVE to confront these problems, right here, right now?" if things are really tough.
But I really don't think that there's anything wrong with admitting that something is up. Maybe think of it a bit like if you had a broken leg you'd get medial attention or some help wouldn't you? And I really aren't meaning to trivialize how you're feeling but nothing wrong with getting help when you need it.
But of course we're still here for you too......concerned, caring about you/how you are and here to offer any support at all we can. And thank you for sharing with me.
Alison

[puzzclar]

MRT stands for Moral Reconation Therapy that was devleoped to promote a positive self, and to help to increase moral judgement. It also has a 12 Step program in it as well. and tonight is about honest. I have only told one person about everything that is going on, It just seems to personal to tell too many people. I do just my group but not the administrator. It's in 4 hours.
and I still have an assignment or two for group. I'm just having issues getting started on it, instead of thinking about si...... or watching shows online.

[Frankbtl]

Sounds really constructive, and GOOD commitment choice!!
Will look it up...but for now could you skip the "beginning", think abut the middle or ending and work backwards. Or just throw random thoughts down and piece them together/fill in some gaps. Or just think of ONE thing you'd like in there and work around it.
And, no, there's honesty and there's honesty. Don't throw in more than you're comfortable with. Missing things out not saying some things isn't going to make you a liar, you can still tell the truth without saying everything. Some things you are probably only going to want to share with people you feel close to, or an affinity with, nothing wrong with that. Maybe one day you'll feel like sharing more with those at MRT, but those may be relationships you need/want to build on first.
Alison

[puzzclar]

I may not be a liar but the frequency is increasing.... drastically... and quickly. I'm doing all that I can but it doesn't seem like it is enough. I did do the homework for MRT labeling the issues that we are working on and what our life could have been, had it not for our choices. I wasn't in the best state of mind to do the assignment before today, and last night.

My major coping skill is to just withdrawal from everything... and everyone. After the insurance nightmare, not doing homework and just watching Netflix, I'm done. I hate this life so much and had the thought of disappointing my T for not calling the crisis line.... it may be a very interesting session today, and I keep saying that I will call the crisis line but I hate hearing the concern from others that it keeps me from calling. sometimes I just don't want to talk about thoughts. I often wonder if I were to just disappear if that would help me to find a way to find the strength to get through each day. Oh well better try and listen to a lecture.

[Frankbtl]

Hi puzzclar, first of all really impressed you managed to do your homework but are you discussing your MRT sessions with your therapist?
While it sounds like it could be constructive for some, you're telling me that one focus is on "how my life could have been SO much better if I hadn't.........And if I hadn't.......I'd now be........have this....have that.......be doing............"??????
Now is that particular approach maybe not the right one for you???
I mean is it really supposed to help you, in particular, focusing on what you've "lost/what could have been" instead of dealing with issues and focusing on the road ahead??
And to me, people can make "choices" which are really not "choices" they/anyone would want for them. But if the person sees/feels no other alternative at the time/s (whether they are there or not) and what they are doing is all they feel they have, then is that really a choice?? Talk to your therapist.........
And phoning the crisis line...make that for YOU......YOU deserve concern from others, it absolutely doesn't make them better than you or you weaker than them. You're going through what you're going through and YOU need support with that.
And you can talk to them about whatever you want to, you don't have to just "launch in there" with all your thoughts. Take it bit by bit and maybe allow them to help you as much as they can at your own pace/in your own way.
Alison

[puzzclar]

I did talk with my therapist and it did help. I actually did the assignment for MRT, yes it was hard.
What doesn't help is the fact that 5 people died in my community, and the ideas from their deaths have increased sui thoughts. I know things are getting harder due to all that I found out and the fact that with knowledge comes a choice of how to respond. I just need to relax tonight. and class is starting