Update on me (possibly triggering)

So... things have been pretty stressful right now. Finals are next week and this week has been piled with homework. To top it off I had a suicidal friend stay with my roomate and I for almost the entire week. On the one hand I'm glad I did because she was at the stage of can't be left alone, on the other hand it is an emotional strain, and it's been really hard feeling her pain.

She's gone home for the weekend and since it's finals next week I get a break from homework. I'm hoping I'll spend this time relaxing, but I'm still feeling pretty stressed right now, can't shake this overwhelming feeling. Also, my mind has gone back to as soon as I feel emotional pain, my first instinct is to cause physical pain. This is really upseting since it hasn't been this bad for awhile. I havn't cut in almost 1 yr 4 months and I haven't even bit in around a month I'd guess. Lately the cravings have been all but unbearable and I feel like it is inevitable that I will give in, so why not and just get it over with (for more info see last post). I've had to spend more time with teachers because I consider their offices safety zones. I feel it would be a betrayal to them in a way if I hurt myself in their offices, so it gives me a few minutes where I am safe from myself. Normally if my preffered professor can't talk I'll still be okay, but today I wasn't. Cravings were so bad that I went to three before I found one who had time to talk for a bit. I think I would've been willing to go through all the teachers today, if that's what it took, to be safe from myself.
I'm feeling scared cause the weekends coming up. I won't be able to hide in their offices or get the logical thinking from them. My classmates I do feel comfortable sharing these things with are ones with similar issues and they are so stressed out that I fear I could send themm over the edge.

For now I'm okay. I spent two hours with a teacher today and helped them prepare their final for a class. It felt great, and when it was finished it looked absolutely outstanding... I know none of the students will care, but my teacher and I are perfectionists on these things and the test turned out absolutely amazing when it comes to formating style. But what happens when this feeling fades. What happens when I'm not safe from myself. I'm scared. I know God always makes a way out (I know you may not all agree, but I believe it) and I have no reason to not trust Him since He's done some amazing things and gone to incredible extents to save me from myself before... but I'm still scared. I hate being scared of myself... and I hate that my fears are legitimate.

I hope everyone else is doing a bit better than I am.

Good luck.

Over a year is a huge achievement! Sometimes when the urges are getting strong the only thing that stops me is thinking that I've come this far, and I really don't want to have to go back to the start again. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but it does seem to work fairly well. That's great that spending time with your teachers helps. I'm not really sure what to suggest for when the feeling fades...can you think of any activity you can do by yourself that could at least help until the next time you could see the teachers again? A distraction to keep yourself busy, something you can really concentrate on. Playing the keyboard sometimes helps me.

Sorry if I'm not being much use. Good luck! ((((ickydog))))

It is hard when the support system is not there when it is such a stressful time. Is there something you particularly like to do? I am sorry that I am not much help but I do understand the feeling of not feeling safe with yourself. Please be safe and I am thinking of you.

Last night I helped edit someone's paper till 4 am. I loved it... it makes me feel productive, smart, and helpul. Now I'm probably going to take a nap though and work on a lesson I'm giving Wednesday.

I'm trying to stay busy, I just hope nothing really triggering happens.