[Zenobia]

When ToneMe posted yesterday I got to thinking how this person could be a valuable asset. I am wondering if you could tell me your story of how you put self-injury aside and walked away from it. What helped you? How do you cope with occasional urges? Do you still have urges? What would be a peice of advice you would give a person who has decided she wants to stop this activity? Oh, and remember I am still very much imbroiled in my struggle to quit so be kind and gentle in your recommendations. I really want to see what life is like after I quit so that maybe quitting won't be quite so scary. Right now it is like, if I quit what will I do when life gets unmanageable. Tell me what you do. Please tell me your story.
Thanks,
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[toneMe]

It was the "being real enough to feel pain and have blood" that made me cut so much. I couldn't ever see myself stopping. Part of me is glad that I did, but I miss it in a twisted way. I get the urges every now and then to slice-and-dice my skin but, I don't.

When I feel like I need to cut, I give my closest friends a call. They remind me, without knowing it, that I don't need to hurt any more than the world throws me. Sometimes when I don't feel like talking to anyone, I just go out and run until I can't breathe. Usually excersizing until it hurts is a good replacement. It helps to find something that isn't so dangerous but can hurt as much, I think. Like doing sit ups until it burns, things like that.

You know? We hurt already, I think we just need to feel that moment of realization when we know that WE shouldn't hurt OURSELVES, too.
I think part of getting better is to become in tune with yourself. I know this may make me sound like a hallmark card, but I think it's kind of true. I pay more attention to myself, pay more attention to the world. I just get in tune with me and realized it usually isn't my fault. I did lash out @ other people, but it never made me want to cut. I always cut because someone was hurting my feelings. You know what though, my dear self-hurters? It isn't our fault. When I get in a situation that makes me feel bad about myself, I cry but realize "wait a minute... I'm not the one that mother trucker should be getting mad at. They need to put themselves in check." And I force it toroll of my shoulders. I don't know if I've been any help at all, I know that sometimes people try but it never even (pardon my choice of words) scratch the surface.

Even if I haven't helped, i hope that one day you will wake up, suddenly notice the beautiful world and think, "You know, it does get really bad. But in a place like this, with a life to live, it can't ever get bad enough to hurt myself anymore." Man, I feel like a "Lifetime, television for women" movie. If I didn't help, I want all of you to know I'll be here if no one else will. ; )

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Carrie.

I thought I'd throw in my own two cents since it has been awhile that I have cut as well.

Ideas of my son never stopped me, because I thought it had nothing to do with him. One day I really LOOKED at the damage that I had done to myself and I was horrified. I realized that anyone could actually see what I had done: like my upcoming surgery. The knowledge that those scars will be there when I die scared me.

That was the idea, but maintaining that thought isn't as easy sometimes. I either go to mentally or physically, a place I feel safe. Most of the time it is my T's office. Sometimes if it is really bad, I call him and he gets me focused again. There have been occasions where he has come out to the waiting area and simply found me sitting there. I don't ask to talk to him, I just sit there. He knows why I am there and usually tries to talk to me if he can.

The meds that I am on have helped slightly. The main thing is being somewhere I feel safe, where no one can hurt me in any way.

I hope this helps you out. I wish you and the rest of us the strength to continue this fight.

xoxox

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

I am at two weeks free of self harm. I am not holding my breath but I have hope. I have decided that I want to feel the pain inside. I used self injury so I didn't have too. But I think that it is important to feel it. The thing I have found most helpful is my emotion manager sheet. It gives me a vehicle to work through the emotions when they start to come on and to seperate from them enough in an analytical way but still think and feel them enough to sort them out and deal with them. Also affirming the addiction aspect has help me to sit with the discomfort. Perhaps it is that I can deal with pain if it has a purpose. It is just that in the past I couldn't really connect to that purpose. Why do I hurt so much?

Both of you have help emmensely, thank you for sharing your stories. I hope that more people will share theirs. The more info we get the better.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft