[buttrfli42481]

She is almost 13 and has several uniform cuts on her left arm. She told me that she got them at her dad's this weekend moving wooden pallets. The thing is that they don't look like scratches the way they are so close together and uniform. I have tried getting ahold of her T and had to leave a message. She wears long sleeves a lot. I don't know what to do about this. She has been hospitalized for writing a sui note both inpatient and outpatient. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach this subject with her?

[doyoutrustme]

Honestly, and openly. Tell her you are concerned about the cutting, maybe reassure her she won't get in trouble/hospitalized, you just want to be here for her. That you love her. And validate that it must be hard to feel better if she needs to cut to relieve her pain.
Be calm, don't judge and love.

tapatalk post.

[Victoria'smom]

Tell her you think she's cutting and ask her how you can help her. Please get a first aid kit so that they don't get infected.

Great advice above. Just a few extra notes to add. I think the most important part is to emphasize that you are there for her whenever she is hurting--no judgement whatsoever. Aka offer your shoulder for her to lean on when a bad mood hits. I know when I'm with people it helps a lot.

And eventually offer up other ways that aren't as harmful as SI. And less permanent. Like most addictions, it's hard to break but there are a lot of other things that can help keep your hands busy and your thoughts focused on something else. I find it soothing to make tiny paper origami. Something more similar to SI though is:
-rubbing ice on your area of choice
-snapping a rubberband
-drawing the line with a pen or pen cap

But the most important part is to be loving and understanding.

Best of luck and keep us updated!

[x_BabyG_x]

Ask about it, make sure she knows you are there and on her side. The emotions that are involved with SI are enough to last a lifetime, if she is taking up self injury, she will need support. Hope everything is okay, must be hard on the other side of it too, especially your own child. Hugs to you both xx

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[winter4me]

The only thing I would add, is don't panic. If she does cut, and you see the wound, (eg: if she has an episode she does not hide from you & acts out in front of you) treat it calmly, with first aid, don't become upset. Separate feelings from actions, validate feelings, help her choose other ways to express the pain, fury, raging anxiety...
(this is likely what the t. is working with her on).

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

Honestly, and openly. Tell her you are concerned about the cutting, maybe reassure her she won't get in trouble/hospitalized, you just want to be here for her. That you love her. And validate that it must be hard to feel better if she needs to cut to relieve her pain.
Be calm, don't judge and love.

tapatalk post.

Perhaps it wouldn't be the wisest to promise she wouldn't be hospitalized...I mean I agree about reassuring her she wont get in 'trouble' like be punished but depending on how bad the self harm is and if there are suicidal thoughts perhaps hospitalization isn't entirely out of the picture no matter what.

I agree with the rest though.

[moodycow]

hi guys good advice as always. I would like to ask butterfli is this something that you have issues with yourself ? you do of course not have to answer that. I ask because i have and have been in a similar situation with my daughter. ON the one hand i felt slightly better equiped in how to deal with it, what not to say and do ect. but also the double whammy of discovering my daughter is doing this and actually knowing how bad she must be feeling ,without all the other stuff like after emotion and saftey.my thoughts are with you both

[buttrfli42481]

Thank you all for your comments, they have really helped me.

Moodycow: I am not a cutter but have an eating disorder which can be and is a form of self-harm for me. She knows about my eating disorder and also knows that I have been hospitalized twice for it. The first time, I was actually having horrible urges to cut because they took away my coping skill of not eating. They allowed me to have a rubber band to snap every time I had the urge. I snapped it quiet frequently the first few days. I don't know why I haven't thought about getting her a rubber band or something similar to use in place of cutting.

Her T finally called me back today and told me that I should go in her room and search it for objects that can be used to cut with. Also told me that I need to tell her dad. Of course my daughter doesn't want me to tell him because she says that he will yell at her. He doesn't understand mental illness of any kind and doesn't want to understand it either. Knowing this, I understand why she wouldn't want him to know. He probably will raise his voice and she will have to deal with that.

She did admit to cutting to the FSL and counselor at school today after being told they knew she was lying about how she got the scratches. She also admitted it to me and said that she hasn't done it for awhile and doesn't plan on doing it again. She said that she doesn't want to talk about it ever again and that she hates school, the counselor, the principals, and whoever told (which was me).

[x_BabyG_x]

I hope she finds a more healthier way of dealing with her issues xx

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[winter4me]

Suggest telling her dad when she is not around----and, although his denial is difficult, I would provide him with some information (written? other...) on what the behavior "means". She needs to know that his yelling/being angry is his defense, his problem, and no reflection on her; he does need to know for practical reasons, "what to do if..."
Her anger at being "outed" is predictable...and, as difficult as it is, it is a place to start...
she also needs information on her own behaviors/feelings---
I don't know if I would search her room unless I felt she was suicidal...and then I would keep it low key...she needs to learn how to manage her emotions, you can't be running after her keeping her safe 24/7---there is always a risk involved, but I think it is riskier to take responsibility for her safety----she says she doesn't plan on doing it again---I would let her know I will take her word for that but, should it happen, or the urge becomes strong, that you know the feeling and are there to talk with/request help from.
If talking right now is inflammatory, a brief, kind, empathetic (not sympathetic or distraught) note might be best.
I would talk to yr. t. again, find out how familiar they are/comfortable they are in dealing with the kind of behavior your daughter is displaying. It is good that the school knows (hopefully, they will someone on board who can offer a thoughtful, appropriate support system)----
All the best to you....hang in there...

[CaptainKirk]

When my dad found out about me cutting, he made me promise that I'd never do it again, which was sort of unreasonable, so that did nothing but turn me into a liar... Then when he found out I did it again, he asked about it every day, which just made me think about it, which made me want to do it again, and it got worse. I hope you can give her space and make sure she knows she can talk to you about it with you when she's comfortable, just don't be pushy about it. I'm sorry this happened, it's hard...

[GirlOfManyFaces]

If I was in her shoes. I would want my mother not to investigate but to ask.
You have already asked her how she got them, and you think she is lying.
Try asking again but when she answers point out that that look kinda bad and digest maybe a bandage. Just be casual and caring.
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck

[buttrfli42481]

She went to a Jr. High retreat for church this weekend. When I picked her up, she had vertical lines drawn up and down her right arm. I whispered to her that I would much rather see lines drawn on her arms then cut marks and that I loved her. She told me ok. I don't know if they represented cutting or not and that doesn't matter to me right now. She knows now that she has the freedom to draw on her arms if she feels like cutting and that is a start. I didn't have an opportunity to talk to her by herself other than a few minutes before bed, and didn't feel like that was an appropriate time to talk. She doesn't want anyone knowing about her cutting, so in respect to that I couldn't talk to her this evening.

[Mike_J]

Please when you talk to her, no anger, no judgement.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Definitely sounds like she's SHing. :\ Sorry, no suggestions, just, from personal experience, that's mighty typical/common stuff for a self-harmer. Hope things get better.

I wouldn't search her room. When my mum took my knife (without knowing I SI'd) I simply bought another one.

Instead, ask her to turn in the implements she uses. Put them in an envelope - or ask her to do it - and tell her you'll take care of them. You might even want to write on the envelope what's in it - a knife belonging to ** (your daughter's name). Then hide them or throw them away.

It'll make them out of reach, but not away. Away implies it needs to be replaced. Out of reach means it might have to be found some day.

It worked for me for a while. A far longer time than my knife just being taken from me.

[Malixer112]

Originally Posted by buttrfli42481

She is almost 13 and has several uniform cuts on her left arm. She told me that she got them at her dad's this weekend moving wooden pallets. The thing is that they don't look like scratches the way they are so close together and uniform. I have tried getting ahold of her T and had to leave a message. She wears long sleeves a lot. I don't know what to do about this. She has been hospitalized for writing a sui note both inpatient and outpatient. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach this subject with her?

(trigger icon for mention of suicide, self-harm, and attempted murder)
That's when I first got caught with it. At this point, though, I had already been doing it for close to 4 years. I was telling everyone that they were various scratches from various things, and until I turned 13, they worked.
As for getting ahold of her therapist--good job on your part. Even though she hates you for it now, she might realize that you saved her life.
I wear long sleeves about 95% of the time, too, just to hide my arms from anyone or anything that could hurt them. I'm rarely seen with any type of bottom that doesn't go past the knees for the same reason.
I can relate to this in so many ways, because of all of this, and the fact that that I've been an outpatient (and still am one) for suicidal thoughts and writing 3 separate suicide notes.
What I would suggest is definitely NOT what my dad did. He threatened to kill me if he saw any more cuts, and three hours later, the police were at my house, because someone from across my street saw him holding a knife to my throat.
What I would suggest, however, is don't get mad at her. That's actually one of the worst things that you can do. If you need to place her in a psychiatric hospital for a while, in hopes that it'll work, then try it. (I've admitted myself into the psychiatric hospital countless times!)
At her next session with her therapist, try to see if you can go back to the room with her, and try to talk this through with her. Having the therapist there might help settle elevated emotions. That's the only reason why I didn't severely hurt my dad when he brought it up.
I hope this helps...

[ickydog2006]

Please try to avoid searching her room and taking things without permission. It's much better if you can coax the permission from her to take them or for her to give them to you. My mom searching my room, completely obliterated what little trust I had left in her, and it was completely useless. It's an addiction. I hid stashes all over my room. She never could get them all, and even in the unlikely event that she would have, I would have been pushed to use other extremes, unsanitized shared scissors, or possibly even blades friends had used, staples and other sharp school instruments. Even my nails were a weapon when nothing was available and those were by far the hardest for me to keep from getting infected. The cutting is a symptom of much deeper issues. Continue in trying to find experienced therapists. Therapists saved my life when I was in high school and the lessons I learned from them still stick with me.