[ThisWayOut]

I just got home from a vacation, but I left my wife there to get us settled. before I even got through the TSA line, I was trying to figure out how to find something to self-harm with. The images have played in my head all day. I was home alone for a time, and I nearly caved. The body memories of past sh are strong and screaming. They make me want to do more. This sucks. I have not really done anything major in many months (possibly a whole year), but now it's all I think about... I've gone longer periods (once almost 2 years), but it always comes back to this. I don't think I'll ever turely leave it behind. 22 years and counting this year...

[smmath]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Is there something that triggered the urges?

[artyaspie]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I just got home from a vacation, but I left my wife there to get us settled. before I even got through the TSA line, I was trying to figure out how to find something to self-harm with. The images have played in my head all day. I was home alone for a time, and I nearly caved. The body memories of past sh are strong and screaming. They make me want to do more. This sucks. I have not really done anything major in many months (possibly a whole year), but now it's all I think about... I've gone longer periods (once almost 2 years), but it always comes back to this. I don't think I'll ever turely leave it behind. 22 years and counting this year...

Not going to say anything about 'it gets better' or stuff like that because I know how meaningless it is when you feel this way - just want to say this kind of pain really does suck! All you can do is hang on.

[ThisWayOut]

smmath, we are planning another cross-country move. I cannot move until we find a place that takes dogs, so my wife is up there trying to get a job, save money, and find us a place to live. she has been the main reason I stopped sh recently, so the stress of the move combined with my main barrier to acting on any urges being gone makes it really hard to resist. we have been living with my mom, and it's a negative environment for a variety of reasons (lots of past abuse happened here, she is very negative, very little social or mh support...).

I've been trying other things to help the urges go away, but they are not really helping. I was going to look into additional supports while I'm stuck here, but I don't qualify for any programs that my insurance actaully covers (limited state insurance). I know I need some structure and stuff, but it's really difficult to do on my own. So I'm here struggling to hold it together. The urges really do suck. I know it's not always bad, but it keeps coming back even after so long.

[puzzclar]

Will your wife help with structure?

You illistrate the same fears that most of us have, "will this go away" It's one thing that I don't want to go through for an extended amount of time, but there has to be More coping skills out there that work. Never give up, Keep fighting. Those to sayings is what most say. In the past year I have been working with two different social workers and have found that when they cope it's a full time job. In over a year both of them have been close to giving in to urges (SI and addiction are very close), but only one of them have given in but they are accountable through they're job and to us as clients.

Never give up coping skills, if one doesn't work then there is another one to be learned. Keep trying, it's never worth the pain of the memory of that occasion of SI/SH.

You are not alone.

[ThisWayOut]

unfortunately, my wife is across the country and also struggling with her own stuff. I did write to my T, and managed to string a few things together in doing so. A lot of my current si methods are deeply rooted in my abuse. I found I have degrees of si at the moment, and can engage in lesser activities that bring the same relief with less physical damage (I won't think about the psychological damage done, because it's less of an immediate issue at the moment, and I get into less outside trouble for it). I'm going to continue to use that for the moment.

I'm really, really hopeing I can gather the courage to ask my T for some time earlier in the week (she will be back from vacation on Wed, but I am not slated to see her till Friday. I am not sure how well I can take even getting through till Wed for a phone check-in if she has no open time slots... I'm not sure how un-harmed I can keep myself till Friday, but I will try).

Thank you for the support everyone.