[jacq10]

was feeling lik I wasgoing donwn hill.... had a classof wine and some cigareetes. Came back to my room and thought about SI'd but stead though I woul d just wtake some adivans to calm me donw. I took around 5 of the 1mgs thinking that it would help. it didnt. so I toof 5 more.... nthin... then took the hole pull..

II texted me tell tell her I was scare i had taken too many andshe told me that either i had to call 911 or I had to. I told her I had a roommatethat could just take me in. sEh insisted on tking to the oomrrate and then we bad a plan that he would take me.

My whole night if a blurr.. we didn't end up waiting place long, bu while we did, I rested my head in my arms and had these little "mini" drams. I had some blood taken out, and talkt to two doctorsto try and determine my currend suicidal indent et... I told them I had just taken them to feel better and that I wasn't tying to killm yself.

Everntually they let m now, but now it's the morning laster and I sill feel high fom what I took. Today will be a omplete write off I know not it.

I hink I amgoing to go bak to be.

sorry tothe messu text, this is paret of mycurrent problems

[Wysteria]

Aww Jacq...
I knew you'd been struggling...so sorry that you hurt yourself...Please take care and let us know how you're doing. So many better ways to handle things, but definitely know that in the moment, we don't always make best choices. Big gentle hugs and stay very safe...

-WB

God bless you. We are happy that you are safe.

[tomboy2011]

I hope u get better soon if u need to talk u can pm me

[jacq10]

well it's 24 hours later and I still feel drugged up. Slept that majority of the day and then went to go meet a friend of mine. I see everying in doubles though so I had to cover my left eye in order to see everything straight.

I still can't walk straight, bump into things, and am not the least bit hungry.

I sure can't wait for pdoc tomorrow, but i know she will be very disappointed in me for OD'ing on meds. Has anyone else had a smilar experience?

[smmath]

I haven't been in the same place, but there was a time where I bought something dangerous and told my T and got the stuff removed. Then a week later I did the exact same thing and it was an embarrassing time for me. So I can kind of sympathize with what you are going through.

Are you worried about what your pdoc will say?

[Idiot17]

((((((Jacq)))))

[SheHulk07]

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I've been in very similar situations unfortunately with od ' ing and seeing a pdoc afterwards. Thankfully my old pdoc was supportive and just asked me why I did it, and how I was feeling.

[jacq10]

Thanks guys .... I just worry because of this she won't trust prescribing me medications that I need. I stupidly took all my anxiety ones, but I will really need them. Also , I need to get a refill on my sleeping meds too

I do't even remember what a blur of the night was at the hospital. A good friend of mine took my in and filled me in on som of the details, but I must have been so out of it. I lost a whole day yesterday because I slept all day and that makes things even more confustin ...

I wish I had more than a half our with pdoc todauy ):

Even still my thoughts aren't cogent.

[Abby]

I'm sorry you felt so out of control that you felt the only way out was to hurt yourself. I think taking pills can be the worst form of self harm (in a sense) because you don't feel instantaneous effects so it urges you to take more for relief, and also you don't know the real harm it is doing internally to your body till after - like your double vision, need to sleep excessively, not able to make coherent thought processes etc. All those are after effects that I can imagine you didn't want when you took them - or did you? Sometimes I know the healing part afterwards can be part of the appeal to self harm.

I really think you should tell your pdr about your research now. Perhaps take someone along with you to ensure you use the half hour effectively (half an hour is rubbish and I feel for you as you likely need more time to talk through it all!).

I wasn't sure who you contacted initially to say you had taken pills - was it a friend or therapist? It is tough and painful you did so after you'd taken the pills, but I'm glad you felt able to contact them at all.... It is so good you have that person in your life you can turn to and a friend willing to support you in crisis. Perhaps one day you'll be able to contact them before you do anything.

Without wishing to put any positive spin on a truly upsetting and terrifying experience - but the self awareness that you are going downhill will one day be helpful. It is a step in the right direction (ha couldn't help but be slightly encouraging - I get how irritating that can be after a trauma!). But maybe one day you might even say that you don't want to hurt yourself and be able to reach out before it gets too much, if you can.

I hope you get the meds you need, or you have someone to talk to afterwards if he withholds this from you till he can ascertain its safe to offer you them again.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain, I relate. Take care of yourself today whilst you feel sick.

[catastrophic]

I'm sorry you had such a bad night xox huge hugs.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by jacq10

..... she won't trust prescribing me medications that I need. I stupidly took all my anxiety ones, but I will really need them.

I think you are right.

I took a bottle of anxiety pills a couple of times too. WIPES YOU OUT. And I have not even had the guts to ask for a refill - cuz I know they would never give me more pills.

But (being the twisted person that I am) - ODing on anxiety pills is pretty awesome. Total relaxation. The only thing better was when I OD'd on muscle relaxers....... that was really something - except I literally could not form words with my mouth the next day. VERY embarrassing (cuz I went to work like normal and could not tell anyone what I had done).

Sorry - got off on a tangent there...... I am guessing you wont get a refill. You may need to find a different way to deal with your anxiety. Best of luck to you.

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by Abby

I'm sorry you felt so out of control that you felt the only way out was to hurt yourself. I think taking pills can be the worst form of self harm (in a sense) because you don't feel instantaneous effects so it urges you to take more for relief, and also you don't know the real harm it is doing internally to your body till after - like your double vision, need to sleep excessively, not able to make coherent thought processes etc. All those are after effects that I can imagine you didn't want when you took them - or did you? Sometimes I know the healing part afterwards can be part of the appeal to self harm.

I really think you should tell your pdr about your research now. Perhaps take someone along with you to ensure you use the half hour effectively (half an hour is rubbish and I feel for you as you likely need more time to talk through it all!).

I wasn't sure who you contacted initially to say you had taken pills - was it a friend or therapist? It is tough and painful you did so after you'd taken the pills, but I'm glad you felt able to contact them at all.... It is so good you have that person in your life you can turn to and a friend willing to support you in crisis. Perhaps one day you'll be able to contact them before you do anything.

Without wishing to put any positive spin on a truly upsetting and terrifying experience - but the self awareness that you are going downhill will one day be helpful. It is a step in the right direction (ha couldn't help but be slightly encouraging - I get how irritating that can be after a trauma!). But maybe one day you might even say that you don't want to hurt yourself and be able to reach out before it gets too much, if you can.

I hope you get the meds you need, or you have someone to talk to afterwards if he withholds this from you till he can ascertain its safe to offer you them again.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain, I relate. Take care of yourself today whilst you feel sick.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, it really means a lot to me
I had no idea that I would experience the double vision... today is the first that that it's gone. Yesterday I had to go meet a friend (I knew I shouldn't but she's the only mother figure I have) and so the whole time I was driving I had to cover one of my eyes to make sure that I could see straight.

After I'd taken the pills, I texted my T, and then the woman I mentioned about. They both told me the same things though, asked that they speak with my roommate, and insist that he take me to the hospital. My roommate was SO great though and waiting with me the whole time. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank him.... ideas?!

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

ODing on anxiety pills is pretty awesome. Total relaxation

I did not get that. I was so worried and upset about the worry I was causing others, especially David. I don't remember most of the time that I was there.... just at one point telling him I could see two of his faces, and then another meeting I had with two doctors/psychologists? I have no recollection of what was discussed except for my saying I was not suicidal. My roomate later told me that he overhear them saying that I didn't give "typical" answers ..... at least my training in psychology provided me with some skills on how to navigate tricky questions and say just enough to not get me committed!!!

oh..... my anxiety pills normally wiped me out (practically function as if there were sleeping pills - which made them useless for normal/everyday use).

[Abby]

How was the pdrs?

It sounds like you have a few supportive people on your side, I'm pleased to hear it. They are exactly what you need when you are in such pain...actually you need those at any time!

Perhaps all you need to do is say thank you?

I hope you're feeling better. Driving with one eye sounds very scary - perhaps worth a visit to the opticians just to check it all out (even if it seems a bit better today)?

[jacq10]

My pdocs was interesting..... she was fine but she said that given my vulnerability the ISTDP we had planned to do in July might not be the best fit After she suggested we try community resources in the meantime (which take FOR EVER) and I started crying, she and I came up with a plan for how we can make things more stable for me and maintain our therapy dates. Basically I cried straight for an hour.

Then later today, my T calls and says that she had an opening this afternoon, so I rushed down to her office to make that appt. It was only a half hour so short, but it was good to touch base with her and try and figure out what triggered me.

I just had a conversation with my roommate (who took me to the hospital) and he filled in the many blanks that I had completely forgotten. The last 3 days have been like a huge shmeer and I can't keep things straight. I'm trying to get a hold of my boss right now as I don't think it's a good idea for me to be at work tomorrow. My pdoc said that I'm in a bit of a delirium from the drugs that will likely last a couple of days.

They also put on my report that it was a suicide attempt, which I am adamant that it was not. I just wanted the pain to stop. I had no intent on killing myself.

[Idiot17]

((((jacq)))) my brain is in a muddle now so i all i can say is stay safe and good luck.