Can't stop crying

I'm so tired, I keep making mistakes, I'm tired of not beong happy when I should be, I'm tired of fighting, tired of feeling so empty inside. I have just been crying all day. Now I'm being yelled at for crying I can't take this anymore, cutting kept me from crying in front of others, now I remember why I never wanted to. It just causes more problems. I feel so selfish I had wanted to take a trip to Europe this summer, when I made the plans I had nothing holding me here, now I do, no one I know is going, I'm gonna be one of the oldest ones there too, and I'd be there for my birthday and my 2 and only friends were gonna do something special, now it's not gonna happen. I already made a deposite I can't back out how stupid of me. I swear I'm not gonna cut I'm distracting myself, I've made it 3 weeks I swear I'm not gonna.
Sorry Just trying to pass the time and keep my hands busy.
Chippie

Hey I'm sorry about you crying all the time. You say that you're going to Europe alone. Are you sure nobody will go with you? And anyway if you go on your own you will be able to see sights that you want to see, not what your companion wants to see. Selfish I know, but still, this is your holiday!

You say it's your birthday when you go abroad. Why not see it as a special trip just for you, an unusual way to celebrate it, something totally out of the ordinary. When people ask you, What did you do for your birthday, you can say, Ah well, I treated myself to a visit to Europe. Then they are most impressed and ask you questions about it.

It is very good, you being determined not to cut yourself. Good for you!

Where are you going to in Europe?

Hope you're feeling better,

- silver_queen

Good job keeping your hands busy. Congratulations on the three weeks! You can do this.

Silver Queen makes a lot of sense. What an awesome birthday present to yourself, a trip to Europe. I know it is scary and I know it feels weird being the oldest but being older is a good thing.

As for your friends doing something special for your birthday. Why can't you all celebrate before you leave or after you come back? Sure it would be great to do it on the day but truthfully it will mean just as much a little later. You could plan with your friends to all do something special at the same time on your birthday. You could all write each other notes that you can take with you on your trip then at a specific time on your birthday you could all open them. That way you know when you are thousands of miles away in a strange place they are still with you.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Thanks, I worry so much about friends and stuff when I'm away, even stupid stuff. I' going with an orchestra to Vienna, Prague, and Budapest and not going to have much free time there I always love the trips but no one is into it this year and I have a bad feeling about it. I just end up getting frustrated, and things snowball from there. I haven't been sleeping again and I think i'm having too much time to think about things.
Chippie