foreshortened sense of future

How many of you have that feeling that you won't really be around for a long time? Like, I never felt like I would survive past 30 years old, which used to seem so old to me, and really didn't care if I did, either. Now I've been 29 for 5 years (no coincidence in my counting method - I know that some of you have noticed it before ). I read on one of the SI websites that many self-injurers just don't expect to still be alive 5 years down the road. That really rang a bell for me when I first saw it. I've just gotten a paper back from my health psychology class about life expectancy, and I had mentioned that I have already lived longer than I ever expected to. The comments I got on that statement have been giving me something to think about. That feeling is common enough that it has a name; it usually indicates trauma in your background (in fact, that was the first thing that my professor asked); and it stems from a lack of a sense of safety.

Well, I've been lost today thinking about that. She mentioned that it is an issue that can be addressed - but too bad I don't have a T to help with it anymore. And when I did tell him about that feeling he didn't seem to 'get it' anyway. I got my professors message this morning and tensed up into a little ball. Why? Especially since I am realizing that it must not be as much of an issue for me now as it once was. Maybe I'm on borrowed time, but I'm thinking more than 5 years in to the future, just in trying to get into a phd program that will take at least 5 years to complete, and I'm not going to get accepted anywhere this year, and I even suspect that I will probably survive another year and apply again. I'm a little worried about what I'm going to do now about being in limbo for a year. I am not going to like it when this semester ends. I can try to get my fiber business going again, at least for the summer. Then what?

Ok - that's probably enough rambling for now. Just had to try to spell it out and get it contained so that maybe it can get out of my head. Thanks for listening!

Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

((((Rap)))) ( I snuck in here to see how you are)

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for the hug. I think I'm ok - just a little weird today, and needed to tell somebody.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

I have never been able to look farther into the future than about 3 years. I remember not seeing myself turn 18 but I'm 19 now, and can hardly see myself past 25, it's getting easier though, the more I trust myself and more confident I become the longer I can see myself lasting.
It's ok to keep in school and not worry too much, maybe for your year off you can take a couple of classes that just interest you. Keep applying and you'll get accepted.
take care
Chippie

I used to go year by year.....by favorite saying was "I could be dead by then".

It's not odd at all to think that way.

Mary Alice

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Thanks for your replies. It's a good feeling to be understood.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}

I understand how you feel too. Even now I am thinking....gosh I am 37???? My Mom was 40 when she had me and I used to think all the time about how I would not be around past 25.....that used to be the old age cut off to me .

It feels good to know that I was not the only one who thought this.

xoxo


Heather

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It is good not to be alone, isn't it? I also remember as a child telling my mother that she wouldn't still be alive when I had children. She is though. Maybe not quite the same thing, but I wonder where I got that from, since all of my grandparents lived until I was past 30 (my mother's parents are still around now), and I had a great-grandmother who lived until I was 20 - she was all but 100 when she died.

According to the worksheets for computing life expectancy that were used for that paper, my life expectancy comes out to 84 1/2, which is totally incomprehensible to me, and not even desirable, really.

Oh, here's an idea maybe how I came up with 30. I knew that I would be 30 at the dawn of the new millenium. Maybe that had something to do with it, but I didn't buy into the Y2K scare though - I just didn't expect to be there.

One more thing - I found a website called RealAge <A target="_blank" HREF=http://realage.com/>http://realage.com/</A> and they have a test you can answer to compute your "real age" based on your health status, etc., and my real age comes out to 29, so I can claim that somewhat legitimately.

Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>