[MoxieDoxie]

I have been severely suicidal, in full despair, hopeless, even numb and frozen the last few days. It triggered a massive self harming event. I cause blunt force trauma to my face and head giving myself a black eye. The SI, for me, stops the actual suicide event. It has never made any sense to me but I suppose some pain and bruises is better than dead.

I definitely learned from this last crisis that it is all triggered from loneliness, feeling abandoned, and the inner critic telling me I am never going to make anything of myself. I am going to fail at my dreams so why bother living. Almost 2 years of therapy and I am still like this. I am not asking to me normal....normal is boring...I am just asking not to constantly be in so much inner turmoil and pain all the damn time.

[Phoenix.]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I've definitely been there. Do you have positive people in your life that are accepting of what's happening to you? Does your therapist really help you or is going there a chore? Maybe you need to make some external changes before the internal ones can happen. I'm here for you. I hope you feel better soon.

[ThisWayOut]

It can take a while to figure out what is behind out turmoil... you said you learned what's behind it this time. That's a huge step! Can you take what you learned with you to therapy and try to figure out what others ways to get the same relief?
Also, I can relate on the si interrupting the suicidal spiral. That is one of the biggest things I get out of my own si... Hope you can be a little more (emotionally) gentle with yourself... Sending love.