[SoulUnderGuillotine]

Two years ago I stopped cutting myself and promised to never do it again. Today I broke that promise and I'm too scared to tell them.

My best friend had nightmares last night. I'm supposed to always be there for her, but I wasn't. I wouldn't wake up when she needed me, and when I said I'd go see her today I had stupidly forgotten I had prior plans and had to cancel. I was an awful friend. Her boyfriend ended up taking public transportation for two hours because I wasn't there for her. I wasn't there for my best friend. And the guilt is ravaging me. I finished my plans as fast as I could to try and see her anyway, but she was mad at me, and I can't blame her. I ended up chain smoking in my car and cutting up my arm pretty bad. I guess I could never bring myself to commit suicide, but I still think about it a lot. Especially in times like this, where I feel like all I do is bring people down. And that just by complaining about this when she was the one who needed me makes me really, really selfish and awful. And I hate myself for it.

So... advice, comfort, anything would be nice.

[ThisWayOut]

Things happen, and sometimes we can't be three for the people we care about. It's ok. You don't sound like you ignored her on purpose, she's just hurting. You seem to be hurting along with her. you slipped up with the si, but you can move past that. You can also talk to your friend and be there for her now (or whenever she gets past her anger if she is not talking to you at the moment).
The suicidal thinking I would suggest reaching out about. There clearly more stuff bothering you, and it may be good to address with your t if you have one. If not, reach out to a hotline, and try to get some help around it. Finding a therapist to talk to if you don't already have one might be a good idea.

[SoulUnderGuillotine]

Thank you. Money has always been tight with my family and I hate asking for more and more. My meds cost enough money on their own, and a therapist won't be cheap for us. So I try to get by how I can. Talking to people and going to forums. Anything free.

[ThisWayOut]

is there a local community agency or one of the local universities that could offer therapy on a sliding scale. Money is a huge issue for me also, so I see someone for $5 at a local social services agency. They utilize students, but it's not bad. They get good supervision. In the past, I have seen therapists at a local university also on a sliding scale (at times for free). When I was in school, therapy was covered by the school insurance, so I was able to see someone for free at their health services... Just a thought.

Have you been able to talk with your friend again? Have you been able to take care of yourself during all this?

[SoulUnderGuillotine]

Yeah. She said she forgives me but I could tell she was still angry. She doesn't hold grudges for very long which is good, but I'm a little worried of her finding the scars. She was one of the people I promised and I don't want to strain our relationship any further.

My school does offer some sort of mental health care, although I don't know the details of it concerning cost and availability. I'll ask around and see what I can find about that. Thanks.

And yeah, I can still take care of myself. Distractions are very helpful in keeping me going.