Monday I felt nothing
Tuesday I felt severely depressed despite trying things to feel better
Weds. I was agitated and feeling out of control. I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't know what to do but I knew I didn't want anymore scars. I found myself in the chat room. It took a few hours, but by being there I eventually felt better. No matter how quiet chat got, I refused to leave until I felt better. At first I didn't go into detail about what was going on with me, I just stayed and talked about "whatever". At some point I realized I no longer wanted to hurt myself. I managed to distract myself long enough for the thoughts and feelings to go away. This is the first time I felt as bad as I did and did not hurt myself. This was the first time I went into chat and stayed. The other people in chat didn't know at the time, but they helped me stay safe. I am grateful for them and plan to go back to chat when I am feeling okay. The next time I feel this bad, I will hopefully remember my success and refrain from hurting myself again. My therapist was "amazed" that I was able to do this.
Lately I have been stuck with the thoughts that I am not getting better. I now have proof that I am getting better. This may not seem like a lot to some people, but this is big stuff for me. I basically distracted myself long enough for the thoughts of self harm and suicide to go away, I am grateful for chat. The odd part is that I was not the only person in chat who was using it for the same reason. I was not alone.
I just had to write this down so I have something to look at the next time I feel this bad.

[kaliope]

emwell
I think it is a very big thing and I congratulate you on your success. you did a great job. distraction is one of the key ways not to harm yourself and you used it successfully. do you think the feeling would go away faster if you discussed what you were feeling in chat? I don't know, I am just asking. there is a book called the scarred soul. you can get it on amazon. it is kinda a work book. you read a chapter and answer journal questions at the end of each. it is very non threatening to work thru. it doesn't ask you to give up cutting until the end of the book. it just helps you to understand what is going on. I had to quit doing it when it asked me to commit to quitting because I wasn't ready. but I didn't cut for five years, then only a couple times when I went thru a nervous breakdown and now it has been over seven so I consider it to be a really good tool even if you don't finish it. keep up the good work, take care.

thanks kaliope
It is good to hear about other peoples success
thanks for the suggestion.