[PlanningtoLive]

About a week before my surgery, I simply quit taking all my meds at once. I was up to nine pills a day - throughout the entire day. I was so sleepy all the time.

I got tired of not being able to drive across town without worry of falling asleep behind the wheel. I actually did at a stop light and only woke up when the guy behind me honked loudly.

The withdrawal was not pleasant. I managed to get through it and then had my surgery. Made a point to let them know that I was not taking all those drugs, only two now: the one I have to so I can walk, Neurontin, and the Lexapro for anxiety.

Since then I have become increasingly afraid to leave the house - I fight it with all my might. I don't want to go back to work - I just want to stay home. I don't want to deal with people or have anything to do with anyone.

I sleep a great deal. I haven't been taking the pain killers for my back hardly at all, only twice. I was supposed to call an actual psychiatrist's office, and I did, but they haven't called me back yet. I don't want to talk to them either - let alone drive there.

I feel the walls coming back up - the inner me is being submerged again, way down deep. On the surface I am fine - not suffering any effects from lack of meds. Inside is a whole other story.

My pdoc told me that he was glad that I stopped taking all those other drugs - the one doc here in town is basically a pill pusher.......I knew that. But they did help keep me balanced, but there were way too many meds. My pdoc is the one that wants me to see a psychiatrist to get me on the "proper meds" that I need........and so I can talk.

I can't talk to anyone anymore like I did with my former T. I miss our sessions terribly and Sept. is a long way away. By that time, the walls will be so high and so thick, he'll never get through. I do plan on going back to see him though - simply because I do miss him.

If I continue at this rate, I won't go out much longer. Monday is back to work and I'm not sure how I will deal with it. The mall drove me crazy tonight - too many people, noises, and just plain stuff going on.

I just wanted to run home and hide - my emotions were all over the place and I alternated between fear, anger, and survivial instincts. With no meds to help, it is not going to be pleasant for me or anyone that runs into me.

It is very hard to get ahold of my pdoc (which is why I started seeing this one here in town), as he is on the board of the hospital and travels with the sports teams, etc. I gather he is important - to me, it just means he is out of reach.

Suggestions..........anything helpful before I retreat permanently under my blanket would be appreciated. I don't understand this fear/aversion I have to leaving the house, but it is definitely getting worse and the better of me.

Mary Alice

[Fuzzybear]

I wish I had some advice for you Mary Alice

Will a hug do?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,
Fuzzy

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
So much, so much my dear sweet friend. You have been through so much in such a short amount of time. It is perfectly understandable how you want to retreat, to not have to face the world right now. You are facing so much as it is without adding anymore too it.

They say it isn't a good idea to stop meds cold turkey but it is done. It is apparent that they were not the ones for you and nine meds seems a little outragious to me. I am assuming they were all psych meds since I don't think you would quit taking meds for a heart condition or diabetes or something. My psychiatrist wouldn't let me be on more then 3 meds. If we needed to switch to try something else he would wean me off one as he started me on another. Each med has it's side affect. To have to deal with the side affects of nine of them would be aweful. I can't blame you for quitting.

Then with your back sugery. Anytime one has major surgery there is the desire to retreat from the world because your body just went through a major trauma. It is normal to find a safe place and hide out there until you can protect yourself in the world. Is there a reason you are not taking your pain medications? Is suffering through the pain a different form of SI or are you dissociated from your body so much that you are not feeling any pain? I have a high pain tollerance so I don't take pain medcation because I don't feel the pain. I found out in the hospital when I got a c-section when my daughter was born that even though I don't feel the pain my body still reacts to it. I had high blood pressure and they were threatening keeping me another day if it didn't come down. I started taking my pain medication on a regular interval and my blood pressure went down and they released me. Perhaps lowering blood pressure was a side affect of the medication, I never asked but I know it had more affect then just making me more comfortable.

Please be easy on yourself. You should be sleeping a lot. Your body is healing and needs time to get better. Sleep is a normal part of that so don't worry as much about it as if you were sleeping tons when you aren't recovering from surgery. I know eccess sleep is a danger sign for us but right now it seems it would be a normal thing to do considering the amount of healing your body needs to be doing.
Take care dear one,
You are in my thoughts,
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Know that we care about you and love you. Maybe if you can just keep the walls down with us here that will be enough until you have someone in 3-D that you can talk to also. But please don't retreat too far away from us. We need you.

You do need some time to rest and recover, both mentally and physically, and I hope that you can allow yourself that. Monday seems much too soon for you to be going back to work already. Pain and feeling tired are signs that your body needs to slow down so that it can put its energy into healing. If you ignore those signs, there will be mental and emotional signs too, like that now you don't want to go out of the house. You expect a great deal of yourself, and push yourself so hard - way beyond what you would expect of anyone else. It has been a long time that you have needed to slow down and recuperate, and maybe now it is catching up with you. Give yourself as much time as you can, and then a little more. And remember that you can always find us here when you need someone to listen and understand, and even to be on your side when you are not able to stand up for your own needs.
(((((((((((((((one more hug)))))))))))))))))
Wendy xoxxoxoxxox


<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

[PlanningtoLive]

A hug from you Fuzzy is worth its weight in gold, thank you. xoxoxoxoxox

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, they were all different psych meds. My pdoc would do the same thing as yours - wean me off one before starting another, but the doc here in town didn't. It was switch from one to another, add a few more. The fatigue was understandable until I couldn't even drive for 10 mins. without falling asleep at the wheel.

Honestly I'm not feeling much of the pain in my back - maybe I have just separated myself from it. Could be I don't want to start taking anymore painkillers. [sigh]

Between my cold/sore throat and anti-social behaviors, my blanket looks very appealing.

Monday is coming way too fast.

xoxoxoxoxox Thanks, Carrie.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish I could take off longer, but I was only allowed the one week's vacation time - had to make sure I got paid for my time off.

My surgeon said I should take another week off, but you know how that goes. I'm supposed to go into work this weekend as well and do my merchandise inventory (on vacation, remember).

I stopped in yesterday, ended up cleaning up the office, did some bills, and my own personal book for the parties.........I just wanted to run and hide.

Today there are 12 parties, all day, and the thought of seeing all those kids and hearing all the confusion.............it sends shivers thru me.

I am just amazed that one day of surgery seems to have wiped me out so much. Feels like I got run over and still can't get up.

Then First Communion stuff...........decided to just rent an outfit for the day. Did get the shoes for my son. Tonight is Prom night for everyone as well. Just too many things, too many people. I like my bed better - it's safer and cozier.

feels like me lately

xoxoxoxoxoxo