I'm scared because I don't even want to stop anymore

I am 19. I have severe depression, PTSD, Eating disorder and I have been self harming for like 6 years. For a really long time I wanted to stop and I tried to get help but my parents stopped me.
Now I am older and although I am on meds and in counseling, I dont want to give up cutting/burning. I like it. It is a crutch I rely on and I value it more than most things in my life. I am and want to get help for most of my issues. I am working hard on my eating disorder behavior and my social anxiety. I am working on repressed memories and assaults. But I don't want to give up my SI and I don't even want to talk about it.
I am ashamed that i love it so much. I feel guilty that I am keeping such a big secret from everyone (other than my counselors everyone thinks I have stopped and "dont do that anymore") and that I have alternative coping mechanisms but I am choosing to do what i want instead of what is healthy.
I don't really ever discuss it in therapy and if it is brought up by my T I downplay what I do and get off the subject as quickly as possible. And sometimes I lie. And I don't mean to be bad and lie. But I do. I don't even really think about it till after.
I am just scared. I don't even want to think about it. How disgusting is it that what I want, what makes me happy is 2nd or 3rd degree burns that I have inflicted. How is it that those or an xacto is my greatest sense of comfort. How sick is that? I am asking that rhetorically. But this is really bugging me and I can't bear to discuss it without anonymity.
I don't know what to do - but I don't want to stop.

I totally get what you're saying. I don't want to stop either. But I want to want to stop, if that makes sense.

It is proven to be a comforting habit for you, something that has worked when nothing else has. It isn't sick that you are resistant to giving it up.

Maybe you could e-mail what you have said in your post to your T, or print it out and give it to her/him with the statement that you are not willing to talk about it, really. Because knowing the degree to which you do it, as well as knowing that you are unwilling to talk about it (at least at this point) is important for your counselor to know.

Don't beat yourself up about this. No it isn't healthy, but it also is something that you feel you need to do right now. As you continue healing and working, things will probably change. You feel what you feel. You are who you are. Just hold on to that, as you heal and grow.

One can definitely become addicted to SI. What you describe very much reminds me of an addiction. It also reminds me of me. I am 42 years old, and engaged in cutting and burning until I was 31. I recently had a very brief relapse. There was a time when I didn't want to give it up either. Then when I finally felt ready, I did it cold turkey. I had 2 brief relapses, but other than those, have been able to resist all urges, and even more WANTED to resist those urges. Healing takes time. You will get there, just keep plugging along.

I told my former T I do have an eating disorder and I'm unwilling to give it up. Could you say that to your T about self injury? My T just smiled when I said that (probablya because I admitted I had an ED) and never mentioned it again unless I did. I did have to agree with her that if I went without food or water for more than 2 days I'd go to the crisis center. Every now and then she'd say "still eating x amount? " I'd say yes or no and that'd be the my oend of it. As my other disorders improved so did my ED.

This maybe the case for you with SI but you have to tell your t that yes you engage in SI, no you're not going to talk about it, and you have no plans to give it up.