[lostson]

Hello everyone this is my first post so I don’t know how it goes. I don’t know how to say it nicely so I will just dive in. I am a pedophile I hate it. Today has been a really hard day I don’t want to leave my office because I’m afraid I will see a child but I’m starving. I want to kill myself or at least peel my skin off. I’m so sick. Why can’t I stop thinking this way? It hurts so bad I need to medicate but I won’t do that to a child. I need to hurt I deserve that. But do I deserve the relief that comes from it? I’m so confused. I promised my therapist I wouldn’t hurt myself but I don’t know if I can make it.

please, please, go to an ER and talk to a doctor about feeling suicidal........please..........and don't cut..........you need hospitalization asap...........good luck, pat

[Rapunzel]

Can you call your therapist? How about a friend who could go with you to get some food? Take it one hour at a time, or even 5 minutes if it comes down to that. Decide, and keep re-deciding, that you will make it through the next however long you can, without hurting anybody (including yourself).

[lostson]

Thank you for your replies

I had some lunch and was only triggered twice so I guess that’s okay. Not to bad. I called my sponsor and my therapist they haven’t returned my calls but that’s okay their busy people I understand.

I feel like crying, I feel like I’m drowning, and I still feel like medicating some way. This is helping defuse my feelings though so thank you for the help.

please feel free to post your feelings whenever you need to. we're very glad to help you.........pat

[Raynaadi]

I hope you're doing better today. =) I know how frustrating that is when we can't reach our sponsor's. I'll help anyway I can! Hang in there hon. This too shall pass......

[lostson]

Well today I am feeling better I am still angry but I don’t want to cut as badly. Last night I went to a SAA meeting and told them how my day went. I got some good support there. When I got home I showed my wife the incision marks I made on my body. (To help defuse the feelings of cutting sometimes I draw an outline of where I want to cut with a pen and use that as a kind of cutting in and of it’s self) I wrote a note to myself in the third person from my bodies’ point of view asking why I wanted to hurt me and tried to answer the questions. I have my SO group today and I think I will bring it up there as well. I appreciate the support and I made it thank you all.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Lostson.
I am glad that you are doing better today. Try to take things day to day and get the help and support you need at this time. Take care Soidhonia