[seesaw]

I spent all night last night sending out resumes and cover letters. I have felt really good for the past two days, finally out of my depression.

But then I see my pdoc, he changes up my meds (which I'm happy about), but then starts talking about me going back to work, which I am absolutely not ready for.

The anxiety, dread, fear of going back to work built up in my so bad that last night before I could complete all these resumes and cover letters, I cut myself, pretty well, good and deep.

Then this morning, after completing a couple more resumes and cover letters, I went full bore and cut my face. The same place as usual, and very deep. Couldn't get it to stop bleeding, had to go to Urgent Care.

Fortunately, I had a plausible store of falling off my bike earlier that morning, which did actually happen, and I blamed it on that, and as far as I know, they bought it.

I have to stop doing this. I WANT to stop doing this. I don't want this life. It's not like I cut all the time. I have urges frequently but I easily set them aside knowing that it's not worth it and there are better ways to express myself. But then these times, something just snaps. And, I no longer have control. I'm totally dissociated and another part of my personality or psyche or whatever has taken over, and I just take a back seat and watch.

Can anyone relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone.

Seesaw

[palerefraction]

absolutely and utterly not alone! in fact, I'm in a similar place. always a pm away if you want to talk!

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[seesaw]

Update: I've been trying to remember how things occurred this morning. I think the reason I crashed on my bike (which was right before I SI'd) was because I momentarily blacked out, and that's when my dissociation started. I pretty much only SI when I'm in a dissociative state. I don't have alternate personalities or anything, but I look at the dissociated Seesaw almost like an alter, since I feel like I'm watching her do things and can't stop her. What I recall is that right after the bike crash she/I came right upstairs, made the really bad cut, then when it was too bad, it was like she/I let me come back forward to clean it up.

Anyone else have this sensation?

Seesaw

[palerefraction]

I honestly just went through the same things, substitute legs for face. and ruining relationships in the meantime. -_-

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