[Zenobia]

Just a short note. My Grandpa died this week. It has brought up all sorts of inner turmoil. He and I were never close. I am not sad for his loss. All I feel is anger. It is old anger. My family would consider it petty. I am supposed to comfort my sister who was very close to my Grandpa but she made it her life mission when I was a child to make me misserable. A couple of years back she admitted she down right hated me as a child. She didn't want a sister. She abused me physically and verbally. She drove me from my home so I spent most of my time wandering about in the woods by myself until my parents got home from work. Now I am expected to comfort her in her pain.

My anger is huge. It has no where to go because as angry as I am I realize that this is not the appropriate time to bring this all up. I must go to the funeral and bite my toungue and squash my pain and anger. I must hide it like I hid it all those years back. Back then I hid it because she told me that she would make it all that much worse if I said anything to my parents. Why do I hide it now? Social decorum.

I want to run a blade up the insides of my arms so that they can see what is inside. But I won't because it would serve no purpose because I am going to where a long sleeved shirt. *Zen smiles ruefully at the stupidity of it all* On the bright side I have spoken about these feelings to several different people instead of stuffing it deep inside and living with it alone.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[jbug]

Zen....I hope you are able to talk out your feelings instead of acting on them. I know how hard it is when the urge hits to fight it but I believe that you have the power in you to not cut. Don't give your sister the satisfaction of you cutting.

Don't Blame me I just do what the Voices Tell me to do

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I understand what you mean - I have a brother, 4 years older than me just like that. Thinks he's G*d............I haven't spoken to him in about 5 years, don't want to.

When my parents pass, it will be war.

I am sorry for the horrible memories that this is bringing back.

xoxoxoxoxo

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You sound like you need a hug. I don't know what to tell you beyond that I am proud of you for recognizing your feelings and their source. You know that you are a good person, no matter how these people make you feel. Venting to someone safe (like us here) is probably the best thing that you can do.
((((((((((((((((one more hug)))))))))))))))))))
Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

[Zenobia]

You all are such wonderful people! Thank you so much for your support. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being here for me. I am so glad I met every single one of you.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{my wonderful support group}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am doing much better today. I haven't hurt myself. Yesterday I was way close but took an ink pen to my hand instead and wrote down a palmful of affirmations. I am beautiful. I am a child of the infinate and deserve kindness and love...those are the only two that I can still make out. Permanent marker isn't all the permanent on the palm. Ha ha. But I really am doing better. I have decided to leave immediately after the funeral. That way I will be able to get back to town in time to have dinner with the women of my family-in-law who have been there and shown me what a family can be.
Gotta get back to work.
Love you all,
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft