[Zenobia]

Sorry I haven't been here to read everyone's posts. I worked all day yesterday then crashed out at home. This morning I fired my therapist so am a wee bit dazed right now. I wonder if I am just throwing a fit or if I truely think it was a good idea to call him up and tell him I am ending our association and today's incident in his office just confirms the decision I have been in the process of making for the last month. Sigh. I feel so odd.

Here is what happened and it sounds so petty I know. I went into his office for my appointment and the secretary said (with hip cocked, arms crossed and a look of attitude on her face) that she called me an left a message cancelling the appointment because Dan is out of the office today. I simply told her I didn't get the message and she doesn't say sorry or show any compassion she just says something to the affect of "well, I left a message." Then she asks in the same tone of voice if I want to schedule another appointment. I said no, I don't think so and walked out.

I am not sure what was going on with her but it pissed me off. Why would she be giving me attitude over a simple mistake of not getting a message and coming in when Dan is out of the office? Then I started thinking about it and wondered why Dan didn't have the deciency to call me himself to cancel the appointment. I thought that maybe it was because something bad happened and he didn't have the peace of mind to be able to do so then I remembered that he has never taken the time to call his patients even if the reason is for a conference or something. I think that is rather rude. Then I started thinking about the fact that I can only think of 3 times in the last 3 1/2 years that I have left that office feeling OK. Any contact with him, his receptionist and billing people leave me with the desire to inflict greivious bodily harm on myself. I began to think about how this doesn't seem like the most healthy relationship. I started thinking about how if it was any other relationship I was talking to him about he would have said it was a toxic relationship and that it may be better if I didn't continue it. But I have always given him the benefit of the doubt because we are digging up pain and anger while I am there. But isn't it also his responisibility to try to get me back into a safe place before I leave? Is it acting out to take the trash to the curb if you don't want that kind of garbage in your life anymore?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[silver_queen]

Sounds like you and your T's relationship wasn't exactly healthy. Maybe you should find yourself a more caring T. But from your description, I would say it sounds beneficial that you dumped him, and I even go so far as to suggest that you should have dumped him a while back and got yourself a better T. (I'm not slighting you here or anything, I just want you to get better and I don't think your T was helping you in that - it doesn't sound like it anyway.)

RIP Dexter...

<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

[dalila]

That was a big issue for me with current therapist -- I could not risk another drive home in flashback land. I was sucidual at that time to begin with and I knew digging into the pain fear and self hate would be hard. Anyway she never ends a session without asking me if I am in an ok place or need a bit more time. Unless it is pretty clear I am in an ok place.

I love your quote -- it is so close to what I have felt with therapy -- just clean up the trash and leave me alone.

~D~

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

You seem to know your own mind and what is helping you and what isn't. It would be interesting to see what he would say if you talked it out with him and explained your reasons and your conclusion. I have not often actually left a therapy session feeling better either, and I have just thought it was because change takes longer and more work on your own for real change to happen, but sometimes I have left feeling better. I'd like to know how that is for most people. But if you feel that any T is not helping you, it doesn't have to mean that they are not a good T, or negate any help that you have gotten from them in the past. Maybe they just are not what you need right now. It is always your choice to continue with them or not. I think it's great that you can recognize what you need. Have you seen the other T any more? She sounded promising?

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

[Zenobia]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Sorry I didn't come back sooner to read them. I needed the last couple of days to process my feelings on my own and try to decide how exactly I was feeling about the whole situation. I have discovered that it is important for me to isolate myself so I can discover my own feelings without them being...um...overlaid by other people's opinion. Once I discover how it is I feel then I can safely enter a conversation about it and not lose contact with my inner self.

I have decided that my decision was a good one. There came a time about a year ago when I realized that I already knew what my T was going to say before I would take my issue into him. I think this is a sign that I had outgrown him. It isn't that he isn't a good therapist. He has helped me tremendously and I appreciate what he has done for me. The angst is that he can't do anything more for me and going in there is like pounding my head against a brick wall. All pain no purpose. I also realize that I need more then he can give me emotionally. He protects himself by building a wall around himself so there is no energy exchange. This is understandable but in a way very sad. For me it has the affect of being unimportant, just a timeslot to be filled, money to be made. I have no part in his life. No affect on him personally. This makes thing unbalanced and, for me, unhealthy.

I know it sounds like I am asking a lot. My husband doesn't understand. He said that it is because dan is a professional. I have had experience with 4 therapist now and tried to explain to my hubby that it isn't a matter of being a professional it is just Dan's style. It served it's purpose in the beginning but now it has become more hurtful then helpful.

My new T is so totally different. She believes in the exchange of energy between patient and doctor. It is like reiki. When someone energy heals there must be a circular movement of energy between client and provider. If there isn't then one or the other is left drained and empty. I funneled all my energy into Dan and he never sent any back so I would have to replenish it elsewhere. Catherine however is not afraid to take in her patients energy because she knows how to cleanse her spirit and how to transform negative energy to positive energy.

I guess the crux of the matter is a spiritual difference. I believe that my illness is not just mundane but spiritual as well. I need help being healed not only in this realm but in the spiritual realm. I need someone who can show me how. Fortunately Catherine is educated in the mundane and in the spiritual healing so hopefully it will work out between us. Plus she can give me hugs.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[Fuzzybear]

Carrie, I can relate to what you said about Dan's style of therapy. My former therapist was a lot like that (in his better moments ...) It sounds like you have made a wise choice, knowing the time when his style of therapy is no longer helpful for you! Does Catherine hug you physically, or are you talking emotionally? (no answer required, just curious ...)

Take care,
Fuzzy

[lenjan]

Carrie, I gave up a 5-year relationship with my last T because we had finally come to different conclusions about what it was that I needed most. I knew about a month beforehand that I was ready for the break, but it was still difficult. I had always kind of regretted that she was my therapist, actually, because we're very compatible and would have made close friends, I think. But when it got to the point that we spent the first half hour chatting about our lives as if we were having coffee, and the second half hour determining that I didn't want to talk about what she wanted me to talk about, I thought it was time.

I love my new therapist! I got so lucky. He's funny and kind and caring and best of all, he lets me tell him what I need and then he helps me figure out how to achieve it. The hour flies by, whereas with my other therapist it was a game of "what should we talk about?" "I dunno."

Change is hard, especially when you've built up a relationship over such a long time, but I think you did the right thing.

And BTW, I once had a therapist who gave me a hug at the end of every session. But she asked first if it was OK.

Candy



There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

[Zenobia]

Fuzzy,
She hugs me physically. It was really weird in the session. She and I have been hugging for years now because I know her from work. She is one of the few people that I do give hugs to willingly. But at the end of the session, when we would normally have hugged on saying goodbye, she stopped and said "I am not giving you a hug right now because I want to make sure that you feel safe." I thought about it for a moment and told her that I really could use a hug and wanted a hug. So we hugged. It was so strange for me to have someone to verbally state their concern about my physical safety. It was neat.

Candybear,
I wish I could have come to the conclusion as quickly as you did. It has been about a year that I have have been wondering whether or not to quit...

I think I am going to rephrase this. I think I have done a good job because leaving my Therapist meant learning how to detach from someone who was my lifeline, to whom I was extremely attached. Letting go of him meant letting go of a person that I have thought about 3 or 4 times every day. He was the person I have trusted to talk about things that I had never talked to anyone else before and he tried to keep me safe. His concern for me though limited was evident and that made it possible for me to grow and actually develop some sort of ego. To let him go by my own choice was a humongous accomplishment of which I am quite proud. I may say I wish I could have done so sooner but the fact is the last year has been spent learning how too in a relatively healthy manner. This is big for someone with BPD. I still threw a fit. I still could have done it better. But Dan salvaged it for me and helped me leave knowing that the door is always open and he will still be there if I need him. It is an odd thing but it feels good.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[lenjan]

Sorry for the late reply, I was out of town for a long weekend and then so stinkin' busy at work today that I'm just now having time to catch up.

Carrie, I'm proud of you for your decision and the reasons you came to it! That's really big progress. Congratulations!

I spent the weekend in Chicago with my three sisters and our sister-in-law, and I didn't cut, and I didn't kill anybody, so that's my brag of the evening. ;-) I sure was glad to get home, though. After 18 years of living alone, I don't play well with others anymore!

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers