Self injury to genital area/breasts

Hi there. I'd like to talk about a very personal self harm habit of mine. I want to warn you that this post is particularly triggering, and I go into a lot of detail towards the end, which might be considered a bit TMI. Anyway, let's begin.

Recently I have developed a strong desire to harm my genitals and breasts, and on more than one occasion, have acted on this. Before this, most of my self harm was mainly focused on my arms, then it moved to my thighs, and then eventually genitals/breasts. Usually I do this out of a form of self-punishment, I guess. I feel I'm deserving of it for being a disgusting female. A piece of meat. I get so much satisfaction out of seeing the blood drip from that area. I also have the desire to cut my womb out and disfigure my face, as well as shave all my hair off. I want look as grotesque on the outside as I feel on the inside.

I suppose I do have some issues with my gender. However, it tends to switch. At times I feel content being female, then other times I feel disgusted at being female. Most of my genital/breast self harm episodes are triggered by seeing men behave degrading towards women, or being reminded of my womanly-duties (like child bearing) I absolutely cannot stand the thought of my body being merely a incubator for a fetus. I also think my self harm down them stems on the thought of wanting to be sexually-undesirable.

I read up online that genital/breast mutilation stems from being sexually abused as a child, however, I have no memory of this. It has crossed my mind that perhaps I was from a very young age and it's repressed? However, I definitely do not want to implant false memories, if I wasn't abused. Although, I do remember developing masturbation habits very early on (from the age of 8 or 9, maybe?) and often I'd feel aroused when another child was humiliated. I remember on one occasion, while my babysitter was driving us somewhere, one of the children she also babysitted had misbehaved, and so she was yelling at her, and humiliating her. She was also laughing at her, and emotionally tormenting her. Her husband also joined in on the ordeal, claiming they were going to put her in nappies (diapers) for acting like such a baby. The child started crying. Meanwhile, I had the strong urge to masturbate to her humiliation, and instead succumbed to grinding myself against the car seat. I must have been about 9 when this happened. Sorry for going into too much detail, by the way. Also, a fantasy of mine was a child being naked and their genitals completely being exposed, and having an adult laugh at it, and touch it, showing it to everyone else. I'd get sexual-gratification and masturbate to these thoughts, when I was a child. I remember myself getting aroused when I watched a cartoon, and the character was naked, and laughed at.

So I don't know what to think, really. What are your thoughts? Are such fantasies as a child normal? Could it be linked with my new form of self harm? and what can I do to feel better about myself and stop harming my private areas?

anyone? :/

I read the other threads that you started, as well as this one. In my judgment, much of what you describe is not what a child or a young adult would typically think or fantasize or experience. I agree with the suggestions of several others, then, which were to speak to a therapist. What are the chances of your seeing a therapist? Have you seen them in the past?

I'm very sorry about how much you have suffered, as described in your threads. I think that finding a therapist is an excellent place to start.

I have seen a therapist before, except it was restricted to phone appointments. About a month or two ago, I was dropped by that therapist and was referred to a new one for more "intensive treatment" as she called it. I just recently received a voice message from the new therapist, and I'm going to speak to her tomorrow over the phone to organize my first appointment with the new therapist.

I hope this new T works out.
I can relate to the self-harm piece, but it is very much linked to childhood sexual abuse.
I agree with Bill, the fantasies are not part of normal childhood development. It's not a guarantee that there was csa, but it is definitely not something that most kids fantasize about... I would also say that the triggers for the self-harm are somewhat indicative of at least some sort of trauma, but I wouldn't recommend digging for memories. Definitely something to explore with a therapist.
When you talk to your new T, it might be a good idea to ask how versed they are with gender identity issues, self harm, sexual issues, and maybe also versed in abuse issues (as well as not pushing to discover them)...
I'm not sure how much choice you have in T's, but hope you can find some help...
If you want to talk about the sh more too, you can shoot me a message. I'm ok talking about it a bit here too if that's more comfortable for you...

As you're in England I'm guessing this will be your local IAPTs service? In my experience they are really not equipped for dealing with anything complex, I was ditched by my intensive therapist for being too "complex". By all means talk to them about the severity of your problems, but I really think you need to speak to someone who is an expert in csa, they will know how to ask the right questions without planting false memories.

Thanks

Thanks for the reply, ThisWayOut. Yes, it certainly isn't something to fantasize about as a child. I think definitely I need to find the root cause of the problem, especially as it's causing me a lot of pain, and a if I carry on, a lot of damage down there and to my breasts.

As far as I know, I've always had issues, even when starting school. I was often very overly attached, even in childhood, often to teachers. I used to cling onto them, and hug excessively as well as classmates. Eventually the teachers sent me to the child psychologist because they thought something was seriously wrong, but nothing came out of it. So my guess is that something may have happened to me as a toddler or baby. However, I cannot guarantee this.

I find the mental health care from the NHS rather...underwhelming. I feel like they're only equip in dealing with issues such as minor depression and anxiety. With CBT it's very here-and-now focused, although I think that's the main point of CBT. However, I think a lot of my issues are caused by the past, and so that needs some exploration, maybe. I think I'm gonna look for someone specialized in CSA, as you suggested.

Time ago I harm my breast, but I don't have any struggle with mi gender or something like that

Well, you have a serious problem that you have to deal with. By the way, it doesn't make any sense for you to allow internal struggles to cause you to start inflicting self injury on your own body because that will have no impact on what you have issues against.

I think it's more a coping mechanism for the overwhelming emotions associated with all that. As a coping strategy, self-harm definitely makes an impact on internal struggles. It can bring relief and grounding. It doesn't always make sense to others, but it definitely can work. It also can bring a lot of negative consequences, but sometimes one feels "backed into a corner" with no other choice or no other method of attaining relief. I'm not advocating sh, but I understand how it can be helpful. It's like drinking or taking drugs to deal with a problem in life. It's doesn't change the problem, but it brings some moments fo relief...

I have wondered about this too. I have done something similar but it turned into an addiction. .... I have hated myself for it. Its a hard spot to be in.