struggling today

promised my T I wouldn't sh without calling first, and I really don't want to bug her. I know all the things she will say, so it's not all that helpful at the moment either. she'll go over grounding and remind me to keep distracted and keep doing things... check. doing all that right now. but it's not lessening the physical memories I'm having, which is triggering the need to sh...
ugh! why does this have to be such a struggle?
I dunno... I feel like such a hypocrit sometimes. I can be supportive and hopeful for others, but not myself. I keep feeling like I simply deserve this, like it's what's "supposed to be", so I should just do it... There were two big insights that came about this week. The first happened in therapy, where I realized that I always associated being loved and cared about with abuse. The second came the next day when my mom admitted having no real emotional attachment to anyone, including my brother and I (due to her own abuse history)... So on the one hand I figured out I may actually be worth something despite what my head says, and on the other I found out I'm worthless to someone I care about deeply and thought cared about me...
Between the body memories and talking to my mom this week, why shouldn't I just destroy myself?
The sh calms me and balances me. Why should I bother to avoid it if it brings relief? I wish T hadn't made me promise to call her first. She knows I will keep my promise to her. She also knows I don't like bugging people, so she's pretty much gauranteed to keep me from sh... Grr! Feeling very much like a little kid about to tantrum and scream, but know it won't get me anything, and know that I still can't disappoint T by breaking my promise; nor can I bring myself to bug her.
!&#@&%#)$*!*)$*!)$($&%&$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry things are tough right now ThisWayOut, I can relate to that place.

Those urges will pass and yes I guess it is about trying to distract yourself - SH would be the quick solution, but not the long term one.

You do matter.

Take care.

You have had a tough week....but I'm proud of you for not breaking your promise. You matter very much. And do not deserve SH. Use those skills that are bugging the crap out of you!!!!

Be proud of yourself for not giving in to the urges!

A few days ago I had bad urges, I was angry and wanted to see blood, and instead of self harming I put on some angry music. It helped. You sound frustrated, which is kind of like angry, so maybe angry music will help you too?

Keep posting. You're not alone, even if it feels like is.

Hi ThisWayOut,

You know, if it might help calling your T.........she does sound very understanding so she really shouldn't see it as "bugging" her. And she has encouraged you to call before, right??!!
And it does sound like you've had a really hard week.........

Although (!!), this: "So on the one hand I figured out I may actually be worth something despite what my head says" that is excellent ThisWayOut!!!!
So good to hear!!!
Your mom..........well she has her own problems, please don't let what she said cloud this discovery. You really are worth something (a lot!!) despite her inability to confirm that for you.

And right now, the SH..........well all you can do is all you can do..........sometime the "memories" can really dig in, but you're doing great in trying different things to try to ease them, if you can just keep on trying/keep that focus........maybe as time passes.........sometimes they can get easier, given time.

And if it's real hard.......don't forget you can still call your T, or that we're here for you too.

And forgive me but I've just really got to finish off again with:
Although (!!), this: "So on the one hand I figured out I may actually be worth something despite what my head says" that is excellent ThisWayOut!!!!
So good to hear!!!



Alison

When I have the urge to self harm and I am trying to avoid doing it, I take that fake halloween blood and put it on my arm in the form of cuts and it takes that urge away for me because I am seeing "blood" and it looks like it's real cuts. Maybe you could try it? They have tubes of fake blood on eBAy for a dollar.

Thanks. That's actually a good idea... the marker idea never worked b/c it didn't mimic the sight of blood, but fake blood might do it.

Been "bleeding" through my art lately. Some of it is actually really graphic, so it helps a bit.



only 2 sessions left with T before I move. Then push to refrain disappears for a few weeks... hope the urges pass by then.

You can be strong. I know it. Try the fake blood. Hugs to you

We care about you