Partner Upset About My (Seldom) Self Harm

*Trigger warning: this post talks about burning briefly.*

Hey everyone. I very rarely self harm but did so over the past few days because I've had a ridiculously hard last few weeks. I've been dissociating a lot, having new visual hallucinations, have some big changes coming up, and there's just a bunch of life stuff happening in general. So, I self harmed by burning myself about 15 times over the course of a few days to get some relief. It's all concentrated in the same area on my arm and relatively okay to hide. I kept it hidden from my partner until we had couples therapy last night where I decided it was a good time/place to tell her. She is REALLY upset with me. She thinks I'm selfish, that it hurts her too/now she can't trust me, it makes her physically sick to think of me doing that to myself, etc. When I told her that her reaction is making me feel even more shamed she said, "Why, because I'm holding you accountable?" This is something I've only done once before a year ago ( with a different harming tool). I'm in treatment, have a therapist and a psych provider, and am actively working on myself in general. I'm not quite sure why she is taking this SO personally. She even slept on the couch last night and is barely talking to me.

Does anyone have any advice? This is really hard.

Maybe give her some time, if she feels hurt then she needs to have some space? Sounds like you're really doing the best you can, I'm sorry that you're getting this reaction.

Did your couples therapist talk about it at all? I told my H about self-harm a few weeks ago on a Friday (it had happened the previous Sunday), then we saw our marriage counselor the following Monday (he'd had to cancel the week before unfortunately), and he helped put it in perspective. Like he talked about the reasons why some people do it (can distract you from emotional pain and/or self-punishment--mine was the latter), that it's not the same as wanting to end your life, etc. If your therapist didn't talk about it much, maybe see if he /she can the next session. Or call/e-mail/text him/her, if you're allowed between-session contact, and ask for advice on handling it with your partner.

Some people find injury or medical things intensely hard to handle while others are less so. The fact we have done it to ourselves can feel even more disturbing and some partners cope better than others. I really hope your couples therapist can help you both in this. It's scary to get the response you did and I know it would trigger me.

I hope she can come around to more supportive.....maybe some time will help.....but you keep taking advantage of the rest of your support system and try not to feel extra guilt over her reaction...