[Rlaunch]

Ok First time here, as the thread suggests i caused self harm to me, here is how i lived it.
(trigger, some gore expected with knives)

I had a wife and for 3 years we lived happy.
Once we lost the apartment we had to go and live to her parents, i worked 2 jobs in order to support us (we have kids from different marriages) and she cheated on me. I found out 2 weeks later, in which she said that she couldn't explain what or how it happened but she loves me.
Then i moved out and spent 1 week away from home only to return after sleepless nights talking to each other on the phone. She admited it but told huge lies to cover herself only for me to realise 1 week after. the same story keep on for 2-3 months. Every time she admited that she is lying and change the story, every day was a nightmare for me, i felt like i was made a fool of but i saw that she really suffered (she lost more weight than me and cried all day and night) which i couldn't make myself leave her.

then i managed to recover some data from "lost" facebook accounts and i had all the info i needed.
I asked her 1 more time if she was telling the truth or not before i check on the pc which she replied NO. Then i flipped, i saw that what ever happens she will never respect me enought to be honest. i felt like i was worthless which i decided to

Possible trigger:

take a kitchen knife and stab myself on me legs loosing 50% of my blood in the proccess.

Why did i do that? i was fully aware i was doing it but i never thought the consequences (traumatizing my wife and hurting other people in the process)
but at that time i wanted to hurt myself and am thinking maybe it was a way to make her respect me. or a way to make me feel something, or maybe a way to feel how little i deserve as a person to my wife, for never being honest.
I dont know what caused it. i traumatized the person i love and she is locked in quarantine and know am in ruins.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Rlaunch

am thinking maybe it was a way to make her respect me. or a way to make me feel something, or maybe a way to feel how little i deserve as a person to my wife, for never being honest.
I dont know what caused it. i traumatized the person i love and she is locked in quarantine and know am in ruins.

Things could not continue the way they were and you did not yet have the skills to respond in a less hurtful, to yourself as well as her, way. Get some counselling and support for yourself and work it through. It is very painful and will take a lot of time to heal but it's worth it to try.

[Rlaunch]

Originally Posted by Perna

Things could not continue the way they were and you did not yet have the skills to respond in a less hurtful, to yourself as well as her, way. Get some counselling and support for yourself and work it through. It is very painful and will take a lot of time to heal but it's worth it to try.

Thanks alot, i will seek to it.
What drove me to this situation though is the thought of loosing her. i really love her and i know she does to. we are not living together as her family came and picked her up and we talk constantly on the phone she is completely honest with me she cries and wants me back but the family wont allow it and they will take the kid away from her is she comes back. Her sister drives her to see me for 5 minutes twice a week because she is not allowed to leave the house.
We will both start counseling but she is too scared because she cant close her eyes without living the moments she saw me hurting myself. She cries all the time and says she loves me but she is afraid that this will haunt her forever.
Now i am devastated as i never in my life hit a lady and i destroyed mentally the person i love the most. Even though she did what she did to me i did 1000 times worse and it was the last thing i wanted to do.
How can i help her? Should i stay away and let her heal? Should i stay with her and support her even though i am the monster?
I just need to know that she is smiling again and finds peace and happiness even if i never see her again.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Rlaunch

Thanks alot, i will seek to it.
What drove me to this situation though is the thought of loosing her. i really love her and i know she does to. we are not living together as her family came and picked her up and we talk constantly on the phone she is completely honest with me she cries and wants me back but the family wont allow it and they will take the kid away from her is she comes back. Her sister drives her to see me for 5 minutes twice a week because she is not allowed to leave the house.
We will both start counseling but she is too scared because she cant close her eyes without living the moments she saw me hurting myself. She cries all the time and says she loves me but she is afraid that this will haunt her forever.
Now i am devastated as i never in my life hit a lady and i destroyed mentally the person i love the most. Even though she did what she did to me i did 1000 times worse and it was the last thing i wanted to do.
How can i help her? Should i stay away and let her heal? Should i stay with her and support her even though i am the monster?
I just need to know that she is smiling again and finds peace and happiness even if i never see her again.

She should probably get individual counseling as well. She may be suffering from PTSD (I'm not saying that to make you feel bad--just sounds like it with the inability to close her eyes and not see it).

I think you need to ask her what she wants from you right now. (maybe in marriage counseling, if you can go together--though I think you also each should get individual counseling as well). She may want some time apart to deal with things.

Please don't call yourself a monster--you just need some help dealing with your emotions and expressing them in a way that doesn't involve hurting yourself.