[SilverSprings]

I know it seems like an obvious one... I am just learning more and more about my conditions / mood / personality disorders. Apparently I am a high functioning BiPolar 2 and Borderline traits and PTSD issues. ie: I am newly diagnosed, and they are still helping me sort it out.

One thing that is odd is my self destructive and harmful behaviors. Starting as a young teen, with Bulimia, and then, carving guys names and hearts into my skin (cutting?) thinking it was cool and felt like a good pain, then smoking, drinking way too much, drug use (almost everything during rebellious teen yrs), fantasizing about cutting off / shaving my (and others) hair (and doing so sometimes), getting into fights w/ parents and jumping in bed screaming crying in my pillow thinking i wanted to die, or i would die from the mental anguish (my dad might have yelled at me over dinner or a bad grade in school)

then when in relationship, getting violent towards mostly myself, esp when fears / abandonment issues arose, can't even tell you how many times i stormed off from my ex jumped in the car, drove off, freaked out, came back. Very unstable. Fighting was always really bad (went from 0-100 soo fast), physical stuff, then a period of peace after divorce,...

Lived alone and had ED rise up again, and then I started therapy- finally. Was told I had maladaptive behavior disorder... got into another relationship with a German guy and then we moved in together... and then the fighting started, things started getting uglier and uglier and i would throw things, and act crazy, physically pound things, walls, slam doors, hit myself, smack and squeeze my own head when in this awful episode. He didn't understand. He never lived w/ a girlfriend before. and here i am older then him and acting crazy and violent. Most of the time I would leave and relax, walk and smoke. Now we moved in another place, new therapist, new diagnosis.... less fights, but much more intense. Self harm in the form of these violent freak outs throwing everything, things I love, i have bruises all over, my family has been asking me how i got them :/ ... they know nothing for the most part.

I even like pain in the bedroom.

I never though of myself as a cutter or a pain seeker or such. But now - It is becoming more clear that maybe i am.

[krisakira]

"I even like pain in the bedroom"

Me too. I used to be a cutter for about 12 years, since the age of 14. I like the feeling of pain, when it's intentional. Since getting lupus, and being in pain 24/7 with little break in between, I have cut back on the cutting (no pun intended) because I am kinda tired of being in pain now. But I still will ask my husband to go rough enough for it to hurt and it helps me get there. I don't think it's such a bad thing about the bedroom thing, it's just natural in some ways. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you're not a freak for liking the intentional pain. There are others out there like us.

[Fizzyo]

Sorry you're struggling so much. Hurting ourselves feels like it helps, does help in the short term. I find it addictive, a habit I'm struggling to break. Sending kind thoughts.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by krisakira

"I even like pain in the bedroom"

Me too. I used to be a cutter for about 12 years, since the age of 14. I like the feeling of pain, when it's intentional. Since getting lupus, and being in pain 24/7 with little break in between, I have cut back on the cutting (no pun intended) because I am kinda tired of being in pain now. But I still will ask my husband to go rough enough for it to hurt and it helps me get there. I don't think it's such a bad thing about the bedroom thing, it's just natural in some ways. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you're not a freak for liking the intentional pain. There are others out there like us.

I have chronic pain, as well as some newer hip pain and basically just a lot of pain. I sometimes cut because I feel like it is pain I have control over.

And yeah, I'm with you guys on the pain in the bedroom too.

[i dont matter]

is it self harm? Yes, pretty obviously it is. Is it "wrong" - that is a judgement thing.... personally, I think whatever keeps you this side of the grass is okay (provided nobody ELSE is harmed).

Best wishes

[LettinG0]

Just wanted to say Hi and wish you success on your journey of self-awareness and enlightenment. Thinking of you and hoping you are taking care of yourself as best you can.