[passionfruit3]

It's all a lie my family and friends think ive changed i haven't. Today was a tough day them telling me how far id come when im on the verge of suicide.i wanted to scream and now i feel i may self harm tonight as i can't take this pain of betraying my family even if it is necessary for them and for me.i don't want to self harm but i feel so sad right now

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[Coffeelover1920]

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I can kind of understand what you are dealing with because I am currently struggling with the same thing. People in my life think I am self harm free and doing so great. It's a really hard feeling to deal with but I think that they would understand (or try to) if you let them in on the fact that you are still struggling a lot. It might be hard to do but it might end up helping you overcome your urges because you will have someone to talk too.

Do you know what is causing you to feel this way. Usually there are triggers to your depression and thoughts of suicide/self injury. Maybe if you can identify what is causing you to feel this way you can work on resolving it or finding healthy coping skills to deal with it all. I know when you are stuck in a deep depression it can be hard to identify what your triggers are which is why I journal from time to time. Is that something you would be interested in doing? It will be a place where you can keep your thoughts and hopefully work on identifying some of the triggers in your life.

You can get through this. I know it seems impossible but it can get better. Maybe you could try and call a hotline? I've done that in the past and there were actually a few times where it helped me out quite a bit.

If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me. I know sometimes having someone to talk to (even if they are online) can be really beneficial.

[Fizzyo]

It's always hard when people say you look well when you're screaming inside! Perhaps you're a very good actor! Your post doesn't sound like you betrayed anyone, just tried to get on with life and they misunderstood. I hope you managed to stay safe. You are as precious as any other person on this earth, whatever your feelings tell you. Be kind to yourself as much as you can, you DO deserve it.

[Fizzyo]

How are you today passionfruit3? I've been thinking of you, keep in touch, you can be honest here.

[passionfruit3]

I honestly really don't want to attempt again.im about to get baptised and things are okay but i don't know how to stop when i make plans. My biggest problem may have even been solved and that was i felt like being disabled i wouldn't know what to do when my parents are gone.my therapist said wed work on a plan and no one was going to completely abandon me. But i still feel this irresistible urge to end my life and i feel like the only way i can make it through is if i make myself seriously sick by overdose but not enough to kill myself to satisfy the urge.i just have to do it without dying . it's risky but i feel like ill go crazy if i simply let it be.thank you for caring though but i think ill be okay for now it's just hard deceiving my parents. My mom knows i have suicidal thoughts not what I plan to do.

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[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

I honestly really don't want to attempt again.im about to get baptised and things are okay but i don't know how to stop when i make plans. My biggest problem may have even been solved and that was i felt like being disabled i wouldn't know what to do when my parents are gone.my therapist said wed work on a plan and no one was going to completely abandon me. But i still feel this irresistible urge to end my life and i feel like the only way i can make it through is if i make myself seriously sick by overdose but not enough to kill myself to satisfy the urge.i just have to do it without dying . it's risky but i feel like ill go crazy if i simply let it be.thank you for caring though but i think ill be okay for now it's just hard deceiving my parents. My mom knows i have suicidal thoughts not what I plan to do.

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I'm glad you're feeling a little better, or at least, safer.
I do understand a little, I once made plans and, once made, you can't unthink them.
I haven't told my husband, for my own reasons and I do feel guilty about the secret, but I try not to let myself feel too guilty.
Now I'm being more 'responsible', I try not to let myself stockpile the means, so I have to go through more steps should I change my mind.
Is there anything else you could do that's less risky? Anything at all?
How would you feel if you died, and God said, "what are you doing here? I had plans for you and work for you". I think about that and sometimes it can help me choose a safer option.
Congratulations on your planned baptism, a good chance to look forward more hopefully.? I hope it all goes well for you.
I really hope you continue to feel better and be safer. Message me any time if you feel like it.