[Kildesortering]

About a week ago, I wanted to cut. I planned that I'd make a relatively small cut on my arm, just into the fat layer but not to the bottom of the fat layer. I always wear long sleeves, so hiding it wouldn't be a problem, and those cuts usually only take two weeks to heal.

I cut, but it wasn't enough. It was like my body was moving on auto-pilot and I was just watching.

Possible trigger:

I started cutting my thigh, deeper and deeper, down to the bottom of the fat layer... it got pretty big and long. After that, I started ripping out pieces of fat, and it was bleeding like crazy. The whole time I was thinking that I need to stop, I want to stop, I can't make it bigger, it's already way too big and so on. I tried to stop, but it took a long time before it worked.

I feel like I'm losing control over my cutting, and that one day I'll go too far without being able to stop myself. But I don't want to stop cutting, it's a big part of my personality and the only thing that works... I'm a bit lost right now.

[Fizzyo]

I'm so so sorry you feel so lost. I really hope you find some support, you need and deserve it. SI is very addictive, it is possible to stop, but you need support. Is there a crisis line or something you can phone when you feel that way (like the British Samaritans)? They will talk or listen, whatever you need until the urge reduces, some organisations will phone you back if the phone bill is a problem.
The volunteers do it because they care and you are just the sort of person they are there for.
You are a human being and therefore precious. You deserve the help.

[Fizzyo]

How are you now?