[LifeInProgress]

In high school, some thirty plus years ago, I used to pound my knuckles to bloody hamburger against brick walls just to feel something. To this day I have stiff fingers. I stopped for a long while, but lately my depression is getting worse.

I am feeling I want to go out and smash my hands and fingers with a hammer.
Partly to punish myself for my marriage going bad, not being able to hold a job and all the rest of the crap that depression throws in my face to make me feel like a useless failure.

I have a blacksmith's anvil and hammers so I know that if I smash I will shatter bones. I don't want to cripple myself, but part of me wants the pain.

I m very glad that I go see my T tomorrow morning.

Figured you folks would understand and not judge. Any advice on how not to SI most welcome.

[CANDC]

Hi LifeInProgress. Sorry you are facing a crisis with depression and are trying to cope in ways you used in high school. Unfortunately causing the body pain only gives temporary relief to the depression but permanent damage to the body. Self injury to that degree could mean in hospital treatment.

There are ways to get help besides self harm. Seeing a psychiatrist to prescribe meds can offer a lasting lessening of depression. A therapist can be helpful as well.

Here is the most complete article I have seen on SI.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...05454873,d.dmo

Glad you are part of our community. There are a lot of caring people here. Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[LifeInProgress]

Thanks. Good to know I am not alone. 12 hours to therapy. I can make that.

[Fizzyo]

Hi, I didn't see this post till today. How are you now?
I really hope you have been able to stay safe. If not, what you did is understandable, even though you know it doesn't help long term.
I am also prone to use pain to contain my distress and am working hard to break the addiction.
I hope you are able to find some hope and soon. Best of luck as you look for a way forward, or whatever you choose to do. Many of us know the temptation and really feel for you.