[PerfectlyImperfect41]

'Trigger warning'

I don't know how to live the rest of my life..... As I write this thread I am often contending with the thought of suicide, I seem to have no control over the thought, maybe its the answer to my hurting! I have hurt for so long. I don't know who I am, I look in the mirror and a stranger looks back at me!

I've promised my husband I will change after he gave me a ultimatum and I've stopped my medication because my husband and parents are convinced that is what's making me grazy! I decided not to go for the tests next week I can't deal with that as well and yes I know it doesn't make sense here I am thinking 'again' about suicide and yet I'm scared to go because, I think I know what the results are going to be, some of the symptoms are back(blood in vomit etc) but it doesn't matter for the pain in my heart is much worst, its unbearable!

I want my husband and kids to see me as a strong women again worthy to be in their lives, but (and i hate this word because there's always a but) I'm struggling with my feelings and thoughts I dont know who or what I will be from moment to moment and day to day and I feel so alone and hurt because the real 'me' is not allowed to show!

Its been longer than a week now struggling I feel anxious/stuck that feeling that your going to loose control, I tell myself that my kids and husband deserve the best and I have to keep it together! I manage to keep it together in front of them but when I'm alone I fall apart!

I need to get out of this black hole......

[Skeezyks]

Hello Sun-no-Shine: I'm so sorry to read of your struggle. I have also contended with ongoing thoughts of suicide, over the years. They're less now... for some unknown reason. It is certainly possible that the medication you've been on has been contributing to your depression & suicidality. I cannot take Effexor for this very reason. However, the fact you may be adversely affected by the med you've been on, does not mean that you should necessarily not be taking anything. I have also been on Cymbalta, & it was the best psych med, for me, I ever took. (Hopefully you are also receiving some therapy services.)

I do wish that you would reconsider your decision not to go for the tests you had scheduled. If you are experiencing blood in vomit, this has got to be adding mightily to your stress level! So, getting these tests done & getting whatever treatment you need is one concrete step you can take toward feeling at least a bit better. I obviously don't know anything about your relationship with your husband & kids. But I would think that, under any circumstances, your own self-worth has to be enhanced by taking care of yourself physically, rather than to let your health further deteriorate. And taking care of yourself is a necessary first step toward feeling like you are more "worthy" in your family's eyes. Does that make sense?

I know how hard it can be, when you are in free-fall, which it sounds like you are, to stop your descent. But, unless you are willing to allow yourself to just keep falling, you must reach out & grab something. Resolving to do what needs to be done to take care of yourself physically, would be a great place to start. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find the strength to do so...

[random_emotion]

I am sorry things are so tough right now but I do understand you not wanting to get the tests done for me I have to wait until I am in a place to hear the results good or bad. I would be careful if you are stopping your meds all at once because that can be tough on your body

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

Thinking of you