:-(

Hub's birthday today and all I wanna do is cut I am trying so hard not to, as we have to go out with his family tonight and I dont wanna go out all bandaged up But something inside me wants that relief, that release, wants to cut, wants to hurt. I want to cry but I have no tears, only crimson tears I have been back at work this week, so on went the mask, everyone saying how much better I looked, how nice it was to have me back, and me, smiling through the pain to say yeah, its good to be back, when all I want to do is hide in the toilets and cut. But I wont, not while i am at work. Have cut in the toilets on the train home a couple of times, didnt even have the will power to leave it til i got home. I hate this, I hate how I can go from doing ok to cutting and contemplating an OD in a matter of hours. I want to be ok, I am fed up of being "ill". I want to be "normal" whateve normal may be. I feel like such a **** selfish person, but I am just so so fed up of me. All I ever seem to do is moan, and whinge, and I am fed up of doing that. I try to not do it, i try to just forget about it and get on with my life, but no. Well, **** it, I started moaning and *****ing and whinging, I might as well carry on...my advise to you...stop reading now, I would if I were you, if you have even got this far. I am only gonna whinge and moan about how crap my life is, nothing of interest to anyone. I mean, how difficult is it to say please and thank you? or move out of the way so you can get off the train. Just seems like everything is pissing me off recently. TOday, I might as well of not exsited at work, i was ignored by other members of my department, the kids in my classes were ignoring everything I said, I just felt like jumping out the window. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I just want to cut, to feel the flow of crimson tears against my skin, in their familiar, comforting way, but NO. I am not gonna do it, not tonight, well not before I go out anyway. I have a window of opportunity tonight, when I get home, when Hub will go check his email and play his game for a bit, I can be alone, and cut. Or I can wait for him to go to bed, then I know I wont be interrupted. I can try all those crappy techniques that seem to work for everyone but me, gripping the ice, pinging the elastic band, all those things you are supposed to do instead of cutting. Think about breathing, in....out....in....out, YES I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE THANK YOU. Why do doctors think that because you want to cut, you have lost the ability to breathe????? THats all I ever get told to do by my doctor or my CPN, Breathe, try distracting. I try, God do I try, I make bracelets, i have made over 50 of the in the last week, i play piano, my saxophone, NOTHING HELPS. WHY??????? It used to sometimes, now, it very rarely helps. And I was supposed to be better. After coming out of hospital, I thought I was getting "better" whatever that might be. Sorry for going on, and I apologise if I have pissed anyone off, I just want this all to be over and for me to be ME again

You have more strength then you realize...

Do you think this dinner tonight has anything to do with the need to cut now or after?

i always find times with his family difficult, and my family will be there too. No-one in either family knows that I cut. I had a crap day at work and now i have this stupid meal to go to. I feel bloody guilty as its hubs birthday and i should be being happy for him, instead i am sat here wanting to cut

Bad day at work, Parents, in-laws, and hubs birthday...

That is a lot going on...

yeah, and now i have to go get ready for this stupid party, sorry to take up your time thanks for replying tho xxx

Your not taking up my time - this is how I'm making it through the day - being here...

Once you get ready and if you have some spare time - keep posting - I will be here for another 5 hours

((((mad))))

You have a lot going on.. I hope you realize you have to take care of yourself before pleasing others. If you are too overwhelmed, maybe take a break from the party and take a relaxing bubble bath, sit alone and read or watch tv, or do whatever to calm yourself. Take care

You really sound upset. It must be a lot of stress for you to have all those relatives around right now. I know it's Hub's birthday, but if you just aren't up to this big meal with everyone, it is your perogotive to say you just can't or don't want to right now. Maybe they will be more understanding than you think they will. What's the worst that could happen? How would you like everything to work out, assuming all the best possibilities?

It is okay to speak up for what you want, need, think, and feel. The more you do, the easier it gets, and the more people will get used to taking your needs into consideration. Do you think it could be worth a try?

As for breathing, and all the other things that are supposed to help you get past the urge to hurt yourself, well, you have the control. If you believe that it will help you more to cut than it will to slow down and relax and think things through or distract yourself, then you will keep wanting to cut. Nobody and nothing can force you to stop wanting something if you really do want it. But consider what it is that you really want? What is it that you get out of cutting, and is there any other way of satisfying your needs? Since you have the control, you can also allow yourself to be soothed, at least for a short time and from minute to minute if that is what it takes. In your life, everything is your choice, and it would not be right for anyone to force change upon you. It will have to happen when you are ready, and on your own schedule.

I hope that you feel better soon, and that you make it through the night without getting hurt. I hope that you want to be safe and secure, and if you don't now, that you will want that soon. Because you can be safe when you want to be.

Rap

made it through without cutting before i went to the meal, but let rip on my arm when I got home. Just feel like I let everyone down and that I let myself down, just wish I didnt exist sometimes

Laurie loo..... awwww ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((laura))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
u are strong, trust me, the techniques may not work, but keep tryin... i dont care if you moaned the hind legs off a friggin donkey, id still luv ya for who you are.... a wonderful caring person. (((((((((((((((((((((huggies)))))))))))))))))))
take care hun
self

You didn't let us down...we are here to help.

If you can talk about it - was there anything particularly that happen before or during?